Tuesday, April 28, 2015

CHAPTER TEN-JEWELRY

Tavin worked in the bedroom, rolling paint onto the wall that he'd finished repairing the day before. The floor was covered with drop cloths, paint splatter all over them and him. Music played in the background. He was painting, thinking and wanting to do drugs. He looked at Kelly across the room seated on the chair, also covered with a drop cloth, her short legs stretched out on the length of the divan. She held the sketch book in her hands and her pencil as she thought. Homework. How had he wound up back in Maverick as a homeowner with bills, kids that weren't his and responsibilities and a girlfriend with homework? No drugs, keep painting. He told himself. He lit a cigarette, took a break and sat next to Kelly on the floor.
"Are you ok?" Kelly asked. "You're awful quiet tonight."
"Yeah, I'm ok. Thinking."
"About?" She prodded.
"Bad day, bad thoughts. You don't know how hard it is to keep it together some days."
"You're right. I don't. But I could help you have some good thoughts tonight, right?"
"Mmmm, I think you could."
"Your phone." Kelly said, pointing across the empty room to the outlet where the phone was charging. "You're going to need to answer this one."
Tavin started crawling across the floor and he got to the phone just as it started to ring. He thought Kelly's little premonitions were cute at first. "Jay." Tavin said looking at the screen.
"He's in a mood, Tavin. Answer it."
Tavin answered the phone and heard the voice. He hated Jay's disturbed voice. Jay never picked up the phone to chit chat. He was a true texter. "You crying? What's wrong?"
"I didn't know who to call."
"Are you ok?" That question led the two of them into a conversation about Julia that lasted nearly as long as their relationship. Tavin knew he wasn't over her yet and he tried to avoid conversations with Jayson that involved Julia. He thought he'd eventually get over her. Thought he'd come to his senses, move on, find another girl. There were a million of them. All shapes and sizes and colors. He'd been through half the high school since coming back, but it never worked out with any of them. He always wound up back with Jess and pining over a girl he couldn't have.
"Jay, I'm saying this cause you're my brother and because you need to hear it, she doesn't want you anymore."
"I know this, but the other night, Tavin. Why does she do this to me?"
"Because you let her. Walk away from her and live your own life."
He spent an hour consoling him, reassuring him that there was more than one girl in the world for him. Tavin hadn't heard his brother cry in ages. He listened as Jay described their encounter in her room. His missed opportunity. Why did he still want her? Tavin didn't have any answers. "How'd you leave her alone? How did you let her go?"
Tavin answered that in one word, "Kelly." He loved Kelly. It was the hardest decision he ever made to take a chance on the kid, but he was glad he did it. Things had turned out in his favor. Julia had put them together for a reason and he was glad she had. He had everything he wanted or needed sitting across the room from him.
"What about Jess?" Kelly asked. "Tavin, ask him about Jesslyn."
"Ok, what about Jess? Kelly said ask about Jess."
"I cannot stand the girl. She drives me crazy. Her constant talking."
"What's she talk about, Jayson?"
"Us. Why can't I take her seriously? Why can't I just be with her. Get over her. Why can't you just get over her and move on."
"Move on with who, Jayson?"
"With her. With Jess."
"And if you could do that? Move on with Jess, do you think she'd shut up?"
"She'd just find something else to talk about."
"Why can't you give Jess what she wants?"
"She wants me."
"And? What's the problem? Give her what she wants."
"We fight a lot."
"So. You always have." Tavin replied.
"Why cant he let Jess give him what he needs? It's not about what she wants, it what he wants, right?" Kelly asked.
"With Jess, you haven't fucked up yet. All the shit you been through and she still wants you. Give the girl a chance, Jayson."
"She won't leave my hair alone. She keeps touching me and trying to hold me. Like we just met or something."
"And what's so bad about that?"
"Nothing I guess. But I don't like her messing with my hair. You know how I am about my hair."
"Well, give her a brush or shave your head." He laughed. "So why now? Why are you so fucked up over this now? After all this time..."
"She's getting married to him. Again."
"She's getting married?" Tavin asked after all the tears were shed. "Why are we just hearing about this now?"
"They've been planning it. It's not new news."
"Ok, back to the point...Know what I would do? I'd be fucking lots of girls. A different one every night. I'd be partying. I'd be having fun. I wouldn't be on the phone crying to my brother. But you're not me. You don't have it in you. You're too nice for that. You think about their feelings. You went through half the high school and got no where. So what you're going to do is go see Jess."
"It's late though."
"It's late, so what?" Tavin complained. "This room isn't painting itself. I gotta go. Let me know what happens with Jess."
Tavin hung the phone up and stared at the ceiling. The odor of the paint was overwhelming him. He glanced at Kelly and she glared at him.
"It's what I did, Kelly. I have told you." Tavin paused. "Are your spidey senses tingling? What's he doing?"
"Do I look like google earth over here? I don't know what he's doing." Kelly shrugged. "Get up and finish painting."

Jay got off the phone with Tavin and head to Jess's house. He rang the bell and waited. Jess came downstairs and answered the door, complaining because it was late and her mom was asleep and why was he at her house so late?
"What do you want from me, Jesslyn?"
"What do you mean, Jay? Do you know what time it is?" She asked, pulling the door closed as she stepped onto the porch.
"What do you want from me? Tell me."
"Nothing. I didn't ask you for anything." She stammered, unsure of exactly where he was heading with this conversation. "Jay, what's wrong with you?"
"You." He answered bluntly. "Why are you constantly asking me to hook up with you? Then you act like you don't care about me the next day?"
"Cause that's what we do." She answered. "You don't want a girlfriend. So we do it. You say you can't stand me then you leave. Then I usually cry myself to sleep. It's what we do."
"Why you crying yourself to sleep? That's what you do after we have sex? Why are you crying?"
"Cause you hurt my feelings. You fuck me and leave or you fuck me and tell me to leave. It's not a self esteem builder."
"But if that's what you want, then why are you crying?"
"It's not what I want, it's what you want. You use me. I don't use you."
"I'm not using you. That's not what I want you to-is that what you think?"
"I like having sex with you. I always have liked the way you make-have sex. And every once in awhile I get an I love you out of it."
"But I do love you, Jess."
"Yeah, I love you too, Jay. I cry cause it breaks my heart every time we get close and you pull away. You confide in me and tell me stuff and I think we're almost there and then there you go, off again."
"Almost where? You think we're almost where?"
"Where you can trust me or be with me. Honestly I don't know why I put up with your shit."
"Why do you?"
"I have hope that one day, you'll think more of me. I only been with you and Chess, you know."
"I know." He said. 
"I was kind of hoping-nevermind."
"Hoping what?"
"I don't know. It's silly."
"What?"
"That I wouldn't have to start all over again." She answered with some hesitation. "After you jumped and took me with you, we were gonna go to Mexico. Jay, I never wanted to be with anyone more than you at that moment. I felt so good with you and when you left me all I could think about was getting you back here. Jules came up with that plan and I prayed so hard that it would work. Chess. I would have never run away with him. You, I went without question. Then you come back. Baby, I was so fucking happy and you were here with me and then you forgot all about me."
"Jess, Mexico. You remember that?"
"I remember letting you go. It was the worst day of my life. I remember taking bottles of sleeping pills to stay in a world that wasn't even real to be next to you."
"Oh, my God."
"And I am nothing but an annoyance to you. You wonder why I cry myself to sleep? You wonder why I get angry when all you want is her? I get angry cause you love someone that could care less."
"Well, I feel like an ass hole."
"Baby, you are a complete asshole."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"How? You keep telling me to shut up." Jess asked. "Jay, baby, I keep waiting for you."
"Can I try to be that person again?"
"You are still that guy. You're just a little lost and confused right now. Doesn't help that she's a complete tease. I know how she is. You keep falling for it. It's like she keeps you in her back pocket in case something fails with Chess. She fucks with you, testing you and you fall for it every single time."
"That's what Tavin said."
"That's because it's true. Now don't get me wrong, I love Chess. There's always a place in my heart for him. He was my first love. But he can have her. Jay, I love her too, but she's got issues. You gotta know that. It was over with you two when she fucked your brother."
"Wow, Jess. Don't hold back. Please."
"You came over here and asked. Finally." She shrugged. "So what you want to do?"
"I never thought of it like that."
"You have a lot of memories with her. I will give you that. But we got some too."
"I would never speak to me again if I was you."
"I thought about it. But we're still sitting here. So..."
"I'm sorry, Jess. I am. I'll try to be a better boyfriend."
"Awe, that's sweet of you." She smiled, getting off her step and heading to her door. "Who said anything about being my boyfriend? Are you like asking?"
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, you should."
"Ok, I'm down for that. Whatever you want."
"Ok, then. So ask me."
"Really, I have to ask." He said, standing to meet her at her door. "Can I be your boyfriend? Will you be my girlfriend? I'll tell you all the time how lucky I am to have you and I will even let you play with my hair."
"Oh, laying it on thick. Nice, Keller, nice one." She laughed.
"And we can go on dates and I will hold doors for you and we can watch Netflix together and we can take selfies."
"Um, ok." She giggled.
"And we can hold hands and I will bring you strawberry ice cream when you're on your period. And I will even spoon feed it to you."
"Ok, Jay. You know you're going to have to do all of that now that you said it."
"Jess. I want to." He said. He kissed her cheek and held her door open for her.
"Ok. I'll try to think of some nice things to do for you."
"You mean other than take bottles of sleeping pills to chill out in zombie land? I can't believe you did that."
"Well, I did." She said. "Ok, go home. My mom isn't letting you chill out here this late."
"Ok. I'll see you tomorrow."
 
Julia woke early to the sound of someone entering her room. She reached over her mattress to the head of her bed and drew the knife from its hiding spot. She set herself up in her bed, her hand gripping the butt of the knife and asked who was there. The red light numbers on the digital clock read 630am.
"Me. Where's the light, Red?"
"Jesus Christ, you scared me to death." She complained, reaching above her bed to the lamp. "You could have called."
"I know I could have called, but I was on my way over Sandy's anyway." Tavin said as he took a seat in her chair. He looked tired, dragging. "Is that a blade? What are you sleeping with that for?"
"I always do, Tav." She replied, tucking it back in its spot. She looked at him. "So what's up?" He looked pissed off. Julia wondered what she did.
"We've known each other a long time, Julia, and I think we can just come out with things, be honest." He answered, taking a seat in her comfy, cushiony chair next to her bed. He leaned back, stuffing his hands in the pocket on the front of his Steelers' team hoodie. His jeans were paint splattered. He hadn't shaved in a few days and his facial hair was growing in, making him look homelessly disheveled. "Do you think I am stupid?"
"No, Tavin. I don't."
"Julia, decide who you want to be. Wife or slut. Either one is perfectly fine, I'll still love your dumb ass either way." Julia waited, contemplating whether to speak or not. She could feel him stewing, thinking. He had more to say, but he was choosing his words carefully. She had a sinking feeling she knew where this conversation was going. "Decide." He demanded loudly.
"Wife." She said, struggling suddenly to find her voice.
"Leave Jay alone. No more walks down memory lane. Stop messing with his head."
"Ok." Agree, it's easier than arguing. Too early to argue.
"Do you want to stay married, get married? Are you absolutely sure?"
"Yeah,"
"Why you still fucking with Jay? Why are you making him think there's any way he could still get it in? Why would you bring him in here?" He asked. He could see she was uncomfortable. She didn't like to be unprepared for anything. She couldn't think when confronted, caught off guard.
"I'll stop." Julia said, not sounding very assuring.
"You don't have to marry him." Tavin told her. "Think about what you're doing. What you want. Who you want."
"I know what I want."
"Jules, I thought a few years ago I knew what I was doing too. When I was talking to Jay last night, I told him what I would be doing if I was him."
"What's that, Tav?"
"I would still be fucking you all over this room. No choices, no talking, nothing. If that was me in here the other night, damn...you'd be saying, Chess who? We could right now. No one would know. Just me and you."
"Uh, Tavin. Stop it."
"Stop it why?" He asked, moving in the chair, sitting up straight. Julia jumped, startled, thinking he was actually going to...He noticed her feeling awkward and he thought about it, for a moment, crossing the line with her. "What's the big deal?"
"What is the big deal?" She asked, surprised he would go there with her. He could take her there like she took Jay to the warm and soft place in her heart where she felt alive, before she'd been scarred. He's messing with me, Julia thought, proving his point, tugging at the memories and loosening me up. It felt good, and that was dangerous. She felt the slut creeping in, the part of her that her ring usually blocked. "Oh, my God." She said aloud, but to herself. It all made sense to her. Was she really that easy? Was Jay really that easy? Was Tavin? "We...no one would know. Tavin, no one would know. Does Kelly know you're here?"
"No," He replied, but doubted that was even possible. She was in tune with him somehow. Her feelers, those little particles of a person with talents like his Kelly, she'd firmly planted them in him a while back. Kelly. Julia shifted on her bed, relaxed a little. She wasn't stupid either.
"So," Julia said, fixing her blanket over her.
"So what?" Tavin asked.
"This is what I do to him. Make him think that anything remotely sexual will happen? Like how I feel right now?"
"Pretty much, slut."
"So if you're going to Sandy's, then take me with you."
"Ok, I'll go see dad while you get ready." He suggested, getting out of the chair. He head to the steps. He thought a moment. "Hey, one more thing, wifey. Marriage 101, you don't invite men other than your husband into your bedroom. Not cool."

Julia caught Jay on his way back from his morning run. He looked all sweaty and hot, but he felt good that way for reasons she never could grasp. He smiled, looked calm, relaxed even, which made her wish she had an outlet like that to rejuvenate her. She made a point to maintain personal space, standing far across the kitchen from him as he chugged a water bottle.
"Hey, Jay. I-uh-I'm going to keep this short." She stammered, looking into her head for the right words. She decided to keep it simple. "I'm -uh- sorry. If that's the right word."
"For what?"
"Uh- for acting like a slut. Leave it at that."
"Sure, Jules."
She turned away from him and went to find her husband.

They made their way to Maryland on a bus and upon arrival they head directly to the office they'd looked up online. They presented the necessary documents, paid their fee, then they checked into their motel room.
Julia set down the bag of Chinese takeout on their motel room table. Chess dropped the bags on their bed. Julia went straight to the hot tub and started running the water. She played with the controls and got the water bubbling. Chess sat on the end of the bed and watched her as she took off her clothes and climbed inside the hot water.
"Aaah, this feels awesome, Chess." She said, stepping inside and letting the water surround her. "Come in." She called, extending her hand to him.
Chess pulled his hoodie over his head and then his tee, exposing his skinny chest, his ribs visible beneath his flesh. There was no shape to him. Just flat and skinny landscape. She remembered how she used to tease him for being so skinny. No muscle. Just a stick figure. "What?" He asked, noticing how she stared at his pale flesh. He stood bare chested, looking strangely similar to a naked mole rat. All flesh and hairless, except for the light mousy brown hair on his head. She sat in the bubbles, swishing the foam around with her hands and then leaning back against the jet as it moved the water around the tub.
"Skinny." She observed.
"Ditto." He pointed out as he removed the rest of his clothes. He slid his body beneath the water, beside her, placing his arm around her. "Oh, this is warm." He said, relaxing, letting her sink against his body. The bubbles tickled as they popped against his bare chest.
"What are you thinking about?" Chess asked. "You're awful quiet."
"Remembering when you asked me. The fire and the whole set up. You made that so sweet for me."
"I thought you deserved it."
"So you really wanna do this tomorrow?"
"I do. Absolutely. You?"
"Yes." She answered. "As much as I wanted to the last time. It's so for real and forever though, Chess. Can you put up with me for the rest of your life?"
"What are we gonna do with the rest of our life?" He asked. "What are we going to do? Beyond this day, beyond graduation?"
"Um, school. I want to be a nurse, Chess. I have since my mom got sick. How about you?"
"I have no clue. You know for sure and I have no clue. I never gave it much thought. We were running around doing other things and I knew then. I knew what the rest of my life was going to look like. Now, not so much. It's up in the air."
"So what are you thinking?"
"I was thinking the military." He answered.
"You're going to leave me?" She asked. "You're going all COD on me?"
"Maybe?" He suggested. "Would that bother you, if that was something I wanted to do?"
"I will-uh-I'll let you do what you want. Like the army or-"
"Marines."
"Oh, well how long would you be gone?"
"I haven't asked anyone, Julia. I'm just saying maybe that's what I would want to do."
"Forever? Join up and run around the world with a gun?"
"Maybe, yes. Julia, what else is there? I mean, I haven't exactly been the best student. I have no basic skills at all. I can't do much and getting a regular job...it seems like that's not for me. I can't see myself in college and I don't think that's the path I should take."
"Isn't that dangerous? Chess, that's war. There's a war somewhere right now as we speak. You would leave me and go to war. I could lose you."
"Julia, I haven't signed up, but I was thinking about it."
"I could lose you. What would I do without you. If you only left for a little while, I could handle that. But what if you died?"
"Nevermind then."
"Chess, do what makes you happy. If running the world on missions and carrying gear as heavy as you around a desert killing arabs is what you want to do, protecting the country and all, then by all means, babe. Do that."
"Jules, it sounds like fun. I'm bored as hell. School is just not happening."
"Think about it and figure it out. I'll deal with it. It's the separation I don't want. We spend every minute of our life together, have for a long time."
"I know that's not what you planned on, getting us back here all together and then have everyone go off on their own."
"I can live with us all going off on our own, but us, me and you, I thought I'd always have you right here next to me. I don't wanna be alone."
"I know that. So if you told me no, I wouldn't do it."
"Not my place to tell you no." She replied. "I have no right to tell you no. Would you tell me no? If I wanted to do something? If I chose to join the army."
"Yes, I would."
"I could do it. I've fought before. I've survived before. So have you. Is that why you want to do this? Cause you've fought and survived. Like there's nothing else for you?"
"Maybe."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." Julia said, because Chess was ruining her night with thoughts of war and survival and the uncertainty of their future. She wanted him with her, not across the globe in a desert with militants shooting at him and bombs going off.
"We'll have to talk about it eventually."
"Not now, Chess. Why are you just bringing this up now?"
"Because you asked, Julia."
"I need to think about this, Chess. Know what? We fight and survive together. Next to each other. I don't like the idea of someone else having your back. How am I supposed to trust that someone else can keep you from getting blown up or shot or worse? I feel uncomfortable right now is all."
"You're scared they're coming back and I wont be here."
"Well, that too. I need you for that."
"Julia, you are so delusional about the zombies."
"You know how I feel. Chess, I thought you felt the same way."
"I don't think that, you do. I just listen to you talk about it."
"Did you just call me delusional?"
"I did. You cant drag me into your delusional world in your head. You can think it and believe it all you want, but it just doesn't make sense, babe."
"How dare you?" She asked, separating herself from him. She stood up and took a towel from the edge of the tub. She climbed over the side and dried off before she put her pajamas on.
"Julia, I know you're mad at me."
"Do all of you feel the same way? Or is it just you? Do you sit and make fun of me for being scared of that happening?"
"I feel safe when I say I can speak for all of us."
Julia rummaged through her back pack and found her cigarettes. She stepped outside the motel room door and lit up. Chess emptied the tub and dried off, waiting for her to flip out on him. He sensed it was coming and hoped he'd be able to soothe the savage beast that brewed inside of her. When Julia's temper flared, it was scary. He felt for her though. He knew she stood outside smoking and she was looking for them, listening for them. She always did. It was a nasty habit she carried over from the darkness to the light. He hadn't planned on having this paranoia discussion the night before they got married. He hadn't planned on opening the can of worms and exposing her wounds in her memory. Most of them were still fresh and hadn't healed. She had an invalid fear. No one really thought their safety was at risk. No one thought the world would turn on them and start biting. No one believed anymore. They'd lived through the hell, the purgatory, the darkness and they survived.
Chess thought she missed it. He watched her planning and working and he thought it was all wasted time and energy. She did internet searches for new and evolving sicknesses. She tried to track them.
Julia came back inside and sat at the round table with the Chinese food. Her brain was churning and he could tell she was going to try to convince him of the threat. Usually he listened and indulged her hobby, as strange as it was a hobby. He looked at her plans when she showed him. He supported her and loved her, but he thought she'd return to life with a fresh outlook. She could finally relax and take a breath of fresh air and not have to fear so hard all the time. The medication had helped her. The meds the doctor had discontinued had dulled the thoughts, had numbed some of her pain. She'd started to come back to life. Despite the side effect of the meds, making her as dry as the desert, he didn't want her to stop taking her meds. She was normal on her medication, or at least as close as she was going to get to normal.
She set their places at the table, setting out the food and then started eating. He sat with her quietly and he ate his meal. He knew better than to interrupt her thought process. He knew better than to push her when she wanted to think and be left to those irrational thoughts. She struggled to walk the tight rope between sane and insane. He liked to think he kept her from falling over the rope onto the wrong side of sanity. He liked to think he helped her keep it together. He watched her pick at her food. He watched as she silently let her tears fall over her cheeks and drip onto her pajamas.
"Julia." He said, when she started putting their left over food in the bag and then place it in the fridge. He wondered whether to apologize and indulge the irrational or to attempt to dissuade the irrational and force her to think in reality.
She climbed into bed and started flipping through the television channels. She put on CNN for a bit and watched the news. She turned the channel to law and order and left it there, knowing he wouldn't want to watch the news.
"Julia," He called, lifting the bottle of vodka off the table. He held it out to her. She shook her head and went back to the TV. "Wanna talk?"  She shook her head. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. We wouldn't make fun of you. We let you be you, but we all don't agree with you."
He gave in, turned off the light and laid in bed with her. She cuddled up against him. She knew she was right. She knew she wasn't delusional. She's nearly died of the infection twice. She'd seen it with her very eyes. So had he and to dismiss that part of their life was ignorance at its finest. It wasn't darkness. It wasn't a dream. It was time skipping like a rock skipping across a lake. Each time the rock hit the water, time rippled outward and at some point, those planes of time overlapped, came in contact with one another. While they all got comfortable, she avoided settling into a comfort zone. That was their biggest risk, being unprepared mentally for the return. Julia wasn't angry, she was disappointed in all of them. No one believed anymore.
They checked out of the motel in the morning. Julia tucked the bottle of vodka in her bag that he'd left on the table and decided that would be the bottle that she saved for a special occasion. When it did happen, she would drink that and tell them 'I told you so'. They arrived at the ceremony room near lunch time. There were two other couples there and they went first. Chess and Julia exchanged vows, rings and left as husband and wife to start the rest of their lives together. Chess added a wedding band to her ring finger. She placed one on his.
Chess followed Julia who'd grown quite mute over night. The only words she'd spoken to him all day were 'I do'. She may have uttered an I love you after they were married, but he wasn't sure of that. They took another bus to Baltimore. This Friday afternoon, Julia planned on tracking down Amanda. She'd googled the girl and tracked her on social media enough to know she worked at the church after school, in the food pantry. In Baltimore, they walked the water front and explored the inner harbor area. Chess was uncomfortable in the city. Baltimore felt a little too much like Philly and he only wanted Julia to see this girl and then leave. He wasn't sure why Julia even needed to see her. Their last conversation didn't go well and he didn't need her spiraling in a strange city like she spiraled in Maverick.
When they got to Amanda's church, they waited outside the food pantry for the girl to show up. There was a long line of people that were there to pick up food donations. Amanda arrived with a few others her age and head inside the church basement. Julia tailed her, leaving Chess alone with their stuff. He wasn't interfering, only told her to get him when she was ready to leave. They hadn't started taking the line in yet. Julia walked past them and a few people accused her of line jumping when she walked up front and got to the food pantry door, which was closed, but not locked.
"Oh, I don't want or need food. I'm not butting in." Julia told them.
Julia opened the door and stepped inside. A woman stopped her, saying they weren't open yet. "I don't want food. I need to see Amanda." Julia stated, closing the door.
"In back." The woman said, pointing toward the back of the basement, a small room where they kept their belongings. Julia stood in the doorway and scanned the kids that were inside.
"Can I help you?" One of the girls asked, smiling.
"Amanda," Julia called when her eyes set on the girl. Her hair, it was still red. She'd left it red. Amanda heard her name and turned when called. She was simply shocked and taken aback to see her visitor. "Can we please talk?"
"What are you doing here, Julia?" She asked, the color draining from her face.
"We should talk to each other." Julia stated. She saw Amanda becoming uncomfortable, thinking of something to say to make Julia go away.  "I'm sorry." Julia said from the door way. Since Amanda made no attempt to speak or move. Was she that caught off guard? That passive aggressive? "I was wrong. I made the wrong decision and I feel that I should apologize to you. I used you. I lied to you."
Nothing still. She couldn't move. Why?
The kids in he room stared as well, taking in their similarities, their size and shape, the same red long and curly hair. Julia had hoped for some privacy, but it seemed maybe Amanda was safer in numbers. Julia didn't care who was there.
"I was scared. I was a coward. I couldn't face him. I couldn't let that happen to me again. And I know there's no good excuse because I have searched for one. I can only say that I feel this overwhelming guilt. I am ashamed of what I did and if I could go back and change it I would." Julia explained. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small baggy. She unsealed the bag and removed the necklace, the silver cross pendant on a silver chain. Julia stepped toward her and handed her the necklace. "This is yours. You should have it back." Julia said, placing the necklace in her hand. She then turned and walked out of the church food pantry and into the warm spring afternoon where Chess waited for her patiently.
"That was quick." Chess said, getting up from the bench. He helped her on with her backpack, then pulled his own over his arms.
Julia and Chess head away from the church, toward the bus stop to get the bus that would take them to the terminal to the bus that would take them back home. They shared a soft pretzel and a Pepsi from a street vendor as they waited.
"How did you know where I would be?" Amanda asked stepping into Julia's space. She looked cute outside, in the light, in her school uniform. The plaid was dark and the skirt shorter than Julia thought it would be, a yellow collar shirt beneath her uniform dress. Knee high black socks and saddle shoes. And Julia thought her uniforms were bad.
"The internet." Julia replied, offering her some pretzel.
Amanda shook her head no to the pretzel. "I said things that I shouldn't have said to you. I was angry." Amanda admitted. She looked at Chess. "You stuck it out together." She smiled, saying hi to Chess.
Outside, Julia suddenly didn't know what else to say to her. She'd said her peace and had left. Why was Amanda coming to her now? So she asked her. 
"Are you leaving Baltimore?" Amanda asked.
"Going home. We were in the neighborhood overnight." Julia answered.
"Oh, well do you mind if I call you sometime?"
"You can." Julia agreed. "We should talk, Amanda. I'm not looking for friendship or forgiveness, but we share something-maybe it would help if we could-if we could help each other, when it gets bad."
"It does get bad, doesn't it?" She agreed.
"You would know." Julia nodded.
"Here, turn around." Amanda said, placing her small hands on Julia's shoulders. She spun her around and put the necklace around her neck, clasping it onto her before Julia could argue its relevance. "You keep this. I have many." She smiled.
"I don't think this will help." Julia said, feeling the pendant on her chest.
"You don't know till you try." Amanda said. "Hey, I gotta head back inside. I'll call you ok?"
"Anytime, Amanda." Julia told her.

Chess's parents were pissed. They disappeared overnight. They got married in Maryland. Chess was a husband. Julia was his wife. Sandy nearly had a breakdown and John simmered while she cried. "You were serious?" John asked when Sandy left the room.
"Yeah, dad. I told you." Chess whispered.
"My dad knows. He asked my dad." Julia whispered.
"You're out of your minds!" Sandy screamed, bringing her entire bottle of wine to the table instead of her wine glass. "Are you pregnant?" Sandy yelled.
"No," Chess answered her, looking at Julia who seconded that. "No, we are not."
"Then why in the world would you two go and do something so irresponsible and stupid?"
Julia set back and decided to let Chess try to talk his way out of this one. Sandy still was angry about the Ativan incident a few weeks before. She thought Julia had issues. Tatia crawled up on Julia's lap. Alex hung near the kitchen entrance, listening as they got their asses handed to them.
"I love her, mom."
"Fuck love. Are you crazy?" Sandy yelled. "You don't have any idea what you want!"
Julia could hear the laughter in the basement and reminded herself to kill Jay and Ray and whoever else they had down there listening to this embarrassment. The excuse that they were already married couldn't be brought to the Morgan's kitchen table. Julia reminded herself to keep calm and keep quiet. Let Sandy vent. Let her have her minute.
"You don't have any idea what it takes keeping a marriage together. Do you know how hard it is? It's not all sex." She yelled.
If they only knew how long they'd really been married. Sandy went on about taking care of each other and a family and being able to be adults and struggle and paying bills, weathering good times and bad. The longer she talked, the more wine she drank. Sandy flipped out when she found out Cal and John were aware of their plans. She would have stopped them from making a huge mistake. Then she found out everyone knew except for her and she lost it. Drunk, she beat Chess's ass. She moved across the table, unable to control herself. Chess restrained her as she slapped him. John pulled her off him. Julia dove out of her way with Tatia. Lots of fist fights in the Morgan house.
"That's my mom." Chess shrugged looking at Julia by the cellar entrance, shaking off the assault. It wasn't like he was going to hit her back or anything. "Mom, I wont apologize. You're gonna have to live with it." Chess said. The red marks from her hands still visible on his face as well as a few scratches where she'd grasped his head by his ears.
"Why am I not surprised you would say that? You've always been so anti everything. You've always given me the most trouble. You're the bad seed, Chester Nicholas. Damn you." Sandy screamed.
John took his frustrated, angry, drunk wife out of the room to talk with her and console her and do whatever he did to make her happy again.
"Julia, Aunt Sandy is just like you." Alex pointed out. He remembered a few fights he'd witnessed himself.
"Julia, you coulda helped me out." Chess suggested.
"Oh, no. I wasn't getting involved in that crazy mother-son shit right there. No way." Julia said, still shocked that she'd gone after Chess like that.
"Crazy girlfriend much?" Chess muttered.
"Wife. Crazy wife. Delusional in fact." Julia snapped, correcting  him, which reminded her that she was not speaking to him.
"Are you living here with us, Julia? Now that you're married again?" Alex asked.
"Ask my husband." She answered.

Julia hadn't spoken to him in 48 hours. His mother hadn't spoken to him in 48 hours either. Both for different reasons. During the silent treatment he considered the fact that he'd gone and married his very own mother. Alex had mentioned a couple days prior that Aunt Sandy and Julia were similar. How similar were they? Chess explored this in his head and he didn't know whether to be frightened or find the humor in it. Both could be so loving and gentle, but if crossed could be absolute nightmares. Both enjoyed their alcohol. Both had a dry sense of humor, an up front and sometimes cold way of dealing with things. His dad said they'd speak when they were ready, don't push them.
"She won't talk to me." Chess had complained to his dad. 
"You don't call your wife delusional and expect conversation."
Julia had been up half the night on her cell either talking to or texting with Amanda. Julia said to call her and she did. Amanda was fucked up, from the various points of their conversation he'd overheard. He wasn't sure how the conversation was supposed to help either of them, drudging up the filth in their minds. And trying to fool around with her when they talked about that sensitive subject was out of the question.
"Julia." He called, nudging her awake. He slipped behind her on the sofa and arranged the blanket over them. He watched the Netflix logo on the Xbox screen and reached for the controller beneath her pillow. She didn't know how to work the controller and probably fell asleep waiting for him to come back and play the next episode. How many times could she watch Family Guy episodes on Netflix and not get bored?
"Julia," He called again as he reached beneath her shirt and started feeling her breasts. That woke her up. She placed her hand over his and let him feel her. He had a constant hard on since she said I do and then cock blocked him since. He wedged her pants down and she kicked them off her feet at the bottom of the sofa. She wiggled back against him, giving him the green light as if her pants coming off wasn't enough of a signal. She left him hold her and take her from behind. She wasn't delusional about how good he felt behind her, inside her. She lifted her shirt up and his mouth covered a nipple.
Footsteps...'fuck...' she breathed as she pulled the blanket over her chest. Alex came down the steps half way. Chess still moved behind her.
"Julia, your dad is here."
"Be up in a few minutes." She called.
"No we won't." Chess whispered, kissing her neck.
Alex climbed back upstairs and she listened as the footsteps walked around above them. She heard muffled conversations, laughter, someone complaining about their nuptials. The sound of Ellen's heels on the linoleum. She started to whimper a bit as Chess brought her closer to coming, moving back on him faster.
Footsteps...'fuck my life...' Chess groaned. slowing behind her again.
"We're busy. Go back." Julia yelled.
"Busy watching Netflix." Ray said, stopping at the bottom of the steps. He saw them. He swore he saw a nipple. He turned around. More footsteps, a couple others following him. Ray started shooing them back up quietly. "Hurry up." He mumbled.
"Ok, 5 minutes." Julia called, feeling Chess starting to pick up a rhythm again. "Julia, we need your bed. Can we leave tonight and go to your house?"
"Yeah, " She answered, falling into his rhythm with him. She felt it about to happen, on the edge again, whimpering as he gripped her waist, going all in. "Go harder." She urged, feeling her release, He made her feel so good. She held his hand, squeezing tight as she fought the urge to call out, cry out.
"Shhhh, Julia." He whispered, pushing harder as ordered. She was getting him there, letting him speed up his motion, he grasped her hips and held her still as he moved. His whole body shifted, rolling her more toward the edge of the sofa as he pinned her waist down from behind her with his hands. Firm against the cushioning beneath her. She felt like she was being fucked through the sofa to the floor. He finally stopped, finally came. He left her go, his hands, she could still feel them against the small of her back.
"What the fuck, Chess. Tryin' to paralyze me again?"
"You said harder."
He tossed her clothes to her and watched as she redressed. She sat in his lap, kissed his forehead. She thought a minute. "No." She told him. "No marines. You're not allowed."
"Ok."
"You can be mad. You can hate me. You can call me selfish. But, it's a no."
"Ok," He said, putting his arms around her waist.
"I need you with me. Whatever happens. I want you with me. You don't get the girl and then leave the girl cause you're bored with life and don't wanna go to school."
"Ok."
"Don't ever accuse me of being delusional again."
"Ok."
"Or you'll see psychotic."
"Ok,"
"I smell ham. Is your crazy mom cooking? Let's get baked and eat." She suggested. "Please, Chess. Sounds like fun."
"Ok, whatever you say."

No comments:

Post a Comment