They hovered around her. Wouldn't leave her alone. Wouldn't leave her unattended. Prying eyes. No one would mind their own business. No one believed her when she said it had been a mistake, a stupid mistake. She shouldn't have taken the pills, she knew that. She explained she felt like there was no solution, no way out, no alternative. She should have died that night that Caleb abducted her. She should have died when Jayson shot her. She should have died when the infection took over her, twice. No one would let her die. Everyone, let's save Julia...from herself. There were no monsters tracking her, she was the monster, an evil person, a menace.
She took the pills the shrink prescribed her. She answered every question her dad had for her. She let him know where she was and who she was with all the time. She adhered to a curfew, she adhered to a schedule. She was forced to care. She kept her appointments with her shrink. She went to the support group, numb from the pills she took. No one can save me, I have to save myself...she thought. She listened to stories of date rape. Sad and weepy girls upset because their date took it too far. Antidepressant medication and antipsychotic medication. All the downers and sedatives in the world couldn't give her what she wanted, to forget. She couldn't get forgiveness in the pills, lift the guilt from sending Amanda into the clutches of a killer. The rape was only the half of it.
"Julia, why don't you contribute something?" Michelle suggested. She'd sat in that small room with the small group of women of various ages and sizes and colors.
"Contribute." Julia repeated.
"Do you have anything you'd like to say? We haven't heard from you yet."
If she couldn't tell her whole truth, why speak half truth?
"Like what? Details?" Julia asked. "That's what you want."
"Anything."
"Uh, I was abducted by a psychopath who stalked me for months and I was raped and almost killed." She replied. "I was-uh-restrained, bitten, beaten, and raped."
"Did he let you go?" A girl asked.
"No." Julia answered. "He didn't. He was going to take me away and live a life with me. He thought I would love him, eventually."
"But you got away-"
"Yeah, before we ran off into the sunset together, yes. I got my hands free. I forced my fingers into his eyes. I hurt him and got my feet undone."
"Then what?" Michelle prodded.
"I wish I could say that I killed him, but I didn't. I ran. Got away. That's all."
The lies...
"Where is he? Did they catch him?"
"He's dead. He was killed by the police when he was raping another girl."
"You got away and you didn't call the police?" Another group member asked.
"It's complicated." Julia answered. All the lies, she couldn't tell.
"Why didn't you call the police?"
"They were called. The next one. They killed him." Julia answered.
"Ladies, we're not questioning her actions after her trauma." Michelle said.
"Why not? They should be questioned. I let it happen again. The rape wasn't that big of a deal, well it was, but the guilt I carry because I let him rape another girl. That's why I suffer now. It's been so long...the memories fade after a while. It's the guilt of what I did to her, the next girl. That's what kills me." Julia explained.
Julia got up and walked out. Amanda. She sat outside the building in the dark and waited for her ride home. The chill in the air clung to her skin. She felt like crying but she couldn't. She was empty. She smoked a cigarette, thinking Chess would be mad at her, and played with her pretty zombie ring on her finger. The fucking meds, they fucked with her sex life too. As she smoked she watched the darkness, searching for shadows. When she saw one creeping around the back of the parking lot, she rolled her eyes and got up.
"You, what are you doing?" Julia yelled, standing up from her spot on the steps. The shadow stopped and froze, then stepped out of the dark into the light of the lot. Homeless guy? She wondered. He had a trash bag in his hand and he approached her.
"Collecting recycle, miss. That's all." The trash bag in his hand rattled aluminum.
"Well, it's where the rape support group meeting is held and you're about to scare the fucking shit out of 11 women. Move on." Julia ordered, reaching to her waist. No weapons. Shit, shit... All this time had passed and she still reached for her invisible gun and knife.
"Sorry. Sorry. Didn't know." He said as he moved on.
I'm not afraid of the fucking dark. I'm not afraid, Julia thought.
Tavin pulled up in the car on his way to work and she got inside with him, strapping on her seatbelt. She told him on the drive to her house about the guy in the lot.
"What if he was crazy?" Tavin asked.
"He wasn't. That's not the point. I wasn't afraid. I'm not afraid of the dark. So why am I afraid of a dead person?" She thought aloud. "I gotta write this down. I think I reached a breakthrough or something."
"The meetings are working. The meds are working."
"No, the guy in the parking lot worked. No fear. I got right up and confronted him."
"The meds."
"The meds make me fuzzy and slow." Julia complained. "And my pussy is dry as the fucking desert."
"TMI, Julia."
"True story. We're going through lube like by the gallon."
"There are other meds. Ask for a different med with low sexual side effects."
"He just licks and licks. And fingers and fingers and I am just raw as ever. And then that huge cock of his just...it's like fucking sand paper. Christ." Julia complained. "So I tell him. I'll drop the meds and he's all scared, no. No, we'll think of something. And do you know what something is? Blow jobs. Lots of blow jobs."
"I'm sorry, Julia."
"I haven't cum in weeks. And it's not for lack of trying. And it's not the lack of need. Cause I need it. God dammit, I need it. You know how I am." She complained. Tavin pulled up to the curb. "Thanks for the ride. I love you."
"I love you too. Call your doc please."
She went inside and sat with the family and recounted her meeting with them. Ellen couldn't listen to her anymore and she crept away. Julia let her wander off. Andy was intent on listening. He acted like he'd never heard any of this information before. She called him on it a handful of times, but he remained the lucky one. Completely untouched. How? She asked him, but he had no answers for her.
She texted Chess once downstairs, sent him some naughty pics and figured he was at home jerking off when he didn't reply for what seemed like an hour. Chess was better off, having Julia seem normal and gradually returning to normal. If she doubted the effectiveness of her medications and her group interactions, no one else doubted their efficacy. Everyone around her saw a huge improvement overall in her attitude and her outlook on life. She kind of felt better herself, but it was all baby steps.
She sat with her journal and she scribed the day's events and she made a note to call her doctor in the morning. On the way to school, she left him a message and after school she waited. Damn doctors. So she got her phone out and she spoke with his medical assistant or nurse and explained in graphic detail her desert pussy. The shrinks nurses were used to crazy and graphic and she felt as though they expected no less when the patients called. The nurse set up an appointment with Dr. Hardy for the next afternoon and she said she'd be there.
Dr. Hardy looked over her chart, her progress and he discontinued the meds altogether, then handed her a prescription for an entirely new medication. He described to Julia how to taper down her other meds as the new antidepressant got into her system. He was familiar with the side effects and he also counseled her in regards to safe sexual practices.
"I have the Mirena." Julia told him. "I have since my miscarriage. I'm covered."
Julia handed her father the prescription when she got home and asked him to fill it. She told him how her medications were changing and if he had any questions to call Dr. Hardy. "Why are we changing around the meds?" He asked.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes. No more secrets." Cal informed her.
"Well, Dr. Hardy feels as though I have made enough progress that I don't need them. And I have been having some side effects that I complained about, so the new med will have less side effects."
"Side effects? You haven't said anything about side effects to me."
"Well, it's personal."
"There's nothing personal anymore. You have-"
"I'm having sexual side effects." Julia interrupted him. "It's dry as the desert. Understand?"
"Oh, I see."
"So I explained this to the doctor and he switched my meds, that's all. It wasn't a secret. It was private. I can't have private? My privates aren't private anymore?" She laughed.
Cal nodded and put his hand up to stop her. "Gonna make it rain, daddy. It needs to rain." She laughed, thinking she sounded an awful lot like Hayley at that moment. "Gonna flood this desert, daddy." The more uncomfortable he got, the more she laughed. "Seriously, there was no conniving. My hubby was complaining."
"Ok, no more, Julia."
"We used all your lube, too." Julia told him, laughing.
"Are you at least protecting yourself?"
"I have the mirena, dad. I have since the miscarriage."
"Are you sure?"
"Last I checked. Yeah. Why?"
"When you were in the hospital it got infected and they pulled it."
"I wasn't in the hospital, remember. The hospital never happened."
"So it's still there."
"I can feel it, yes."
"You can feel it in there?"
"Not just sitting around the table here, no. But with my fingers, yes. Just reach in there..." Julia answered. "TMI, probably."
"The whole conversation is TMI." He said, opening up his beer.
"You asked." Julia told him. "Hey, me and Chess are gonna go away next weekend. We have plans, so if I am not around, don't get worried."
"Where are you going?" He asked looking at her strangely.
"Oh, we're getting married again. And don't freak out on me please, it's just paperwork, daddy. We're already married."
"No."
"Ok, dad."
"Julia, I said no. Where are you living? How are you supporting yourself? You're too young."
"You're just mad cause I am not with Jayson anymore."
"He is single." Her dad reminded him.
"I love him and he's always gonna be my friend, but Chess is my husband, has been, almost like a year and a half. So, no, daddy. Chess is not going anywhere." Julia told him. "Look, you gave him your blessing then, even found the pastor for us."
"I did not."
"Talk to my Chess, please. If you only knew the half of it. Do you even remember what that's like? Remember mom? You guys were together in high school and got married-"
"Julia, this is just too fast. You have so many other choices."
"Jayson is not a choice. Chess was my choice. He's so sweet and he takes care of me."
"I saw how he took care of you a few weeks ago."
"He didn't know about that. No one did."
"Just think about what you're doing. You never think, you just do."
"If you were only there. We put thought into everything we did. Now, not so much. But I do know that he's not going anywhere."
Chess and Julia planned their mini-wedding, researching on line what they needed and where they had to go. It was a matter of an overnight in Maryland, which wasn't far away. Julia set up the arrangements and found them a motel to crash in.
"Alcohol, Chess. Can you get us some for the trip or should I ask Tavin?"
"I got it."
"Ok." Julia said, typing in the bank card number on the motel website. "I want you to go up and talk to Cal, Chess. Whatever you said to daddy when you were on that fucking farm, I want you to say it all over again."
"Oh, he doesn't like me here."
"Did he like you there?"
"It was different there."
"It's different here. Go on. Get up there. He doesn't bite and I already told him about the weekend." Julia said. She confirmed the reservation and then handed him the bank card. "Oh, here." She said, rooting around in her bag. "Take the rings. Maybe that'll help."
"Oh, man. Julia, I'm scared."
"Were you scared then?"
"Yeah. Worse than now."
"Claim your girl, Chess. Go on." She giggled.
Julia watched him amble away and slowly go up the steps. Funny seeing her Chess scared. It didn't happen often. While he was away, she googled Amanda's address in Maryland and researched the bus route she'd need to take to get there. She google street mapped it and the church she went to. Julia loved the internet, cyber stalking from a state away. Julia planned on visiting her at some point over the weekend. Over the phone, a girl could be as ballsy and as bad as she wanted. In person, when physically face to face, that was a different story. Julia made a note in her journal of all the stuff she needed to print, then closed the book. The next google search was the name, Caleb Downing. Julia found him, his bio, his picture, his list of victims. Julia clicked on the victims. There she was. The one that got away. Fuuuucccckkkk, Julia moaned. She clicked images and nearly died of shock. There she and Jay were. One picture from the many that were in the books. How had that been put on the internet? It wasn't too bad, she was covered, but it was there. Julia sitting across his abdomen, he lay back on her bed. He was inside her though. Only she would know that because they were covered. She opened up the phone and called Jayson.
"Jay, I am sending you a link. Open it."
"K, Jules. What is it?"
"You'll see. Bye."
"Bye."
Julia gave him a few minutes to digest what he saw when he opened the link. Her phone rang and he was pissed. "WTF is that on line for? " he yelled at her.
"You act like I had anything to do with it. I didn't put it up. I only found it."
"Well, damn, we were doing it."
"Can't tell though." Julia said, looking at the picture. "You looking at it?"
"Yeah."
"Remember that?"
"I remember a lot of nights like that."
"Do you miss it?"
"Sometimes, yeah. I miss you, babe."
"Fuck, don't say that." Julia whispered.
"It's how I feel looking at us."
"I know." She sighed. She looked at the steps. No Chess. "Are you hard?"
"No. Are you wet?"
"No." Julia answered. Dry as the desert...she thought.
"You want me to be?"
Julia thought a moment. "God, no. Fuck, what's wrong with me? I'm sorry, Jay. Love you, bye." She disconnected the call.
He texted her: why you googling him?
She replied: gonna piss on his grave
He texted her: Can I join you...fucker...
She replied: sure....fucker
He texted: where's he buried?
She replied: when I find out i'll tell you. L8R
He texted her: ily, bye
Chess eventually came back downstairs. He looked overwhelmed. He laid next to her and stared at the ceiling. He gave her no explanation and kept what was said between him and Cal, just like last time.
"We still going?" She asked.
"Yeah, we are." He replied, handing her back the rings.
"Hey, I love you." She smiled.
"Me too. What are you looking at?" He asked, looking at the screen. "Why are you looking him up?"
"I need to. I wanna see where he's buried is all." Julia answered. "I wanna show you what I found. I'm not sure I should though."
"What is it?"
"Pictures, from his books, Chess."
"I've seen them. Thanks." He said, shaking his head.
"They're on line, Chess." Julia said, clicking the link and opening up the photos that she'd found under the victims tab. "Look."
"Why is that on line?" He asked. "Did you tell Jayson?"
"Yeah."
"There are worse pics though."
"True. There were more nude ones. They're out there. I don't like that they're in cyberspace for all to see though."
"Your dad would flip."
"You know what that pic is, right? I mean you can't tell, but-"
"No, it's not." he said, looking closer at the picture. "Can't tell." He reassured her.
"I know, but still Chess. I know it and he knows it. Caleb knew it."
Chess took hold of her hand and squeezed it. "I like how you're talking about him and not freaking out."
"It's ok, Chess. I hate to say it, but the meetings and the shrink and the meds. I feel better. It's a combination of all three, maybe, but I feel better. Seeing those other girls with their sadness and their anger and their problems. Mine don't seem so fucking bad." Julia closed the lap top and carried it to her desk. "It's so fresh for them, so recent. All that rape shit fades after a while, the remnants...his hands on me, his mouth, his fingers, his dick in me. It fades with time. It's still there, but it fades if that makes any sense." Chess stayed quiet as she talked. "You awake?"
"Yeah, I am listening. It's a miracle you could even get back in bed with someone. How did you do it?"
"It's all going through the motions at first. Not as much participation as gritting my teeth and bearing it. It takes a long time and it takes a lot of...patience. Aren't you glad you didn't have to do it?"
"I would have."
"But you didn't have to. He did. God bless him, Chess. I tormented that boy. And he loved me through it."
Jay peeked through the window and looked at Jess's house. He saw her light on. He texted her: come over?
She texted: why?
He texted her: u know y. plzzzzzz
She replied: 5 mins
Jay knocked on the door to Ray's room, then opened the door a little. "Yo," Jay called. "Ray."
"What, Jay?" He asked, tucked in comfy in the bed. He looked like he was about to fall asleep.
"Ray, I don't ask a lot."
"Jay, don't fuckin do this to me, bro."
"It won't take long, trust me."
"No, go away."
"Go where?" Jay asked.
"Your brother's."
"The house isn't done yet. Ray-" Chess's twin rolled out of bed with his pillow and his blanket. "We're not gonna be all night." Jay said, looking at the blanket and pillow.
"You say that now." Ray complained, pushing past him into the room next door with Tatia and Alex. "My brother's always pushing me outta here, too. Me and Cass. I live in the basement. You owe me."
"I owe you. Fine." Jay said. He jogged downstairs and let Jess inside. She was on him as soon as he opened the door. She reacted to him like this every time they got together and he was baffled as to why they couldn't officially do this all the time. Jess was fickle like that. In some way she swore that Chess would come to his senses and wake up and leave Julia. Jay knew better though.
"Jess, fast n hard or slow n soft?" He never knew with her.
"Both, baby." She cooed, pulling the hair tie from his pony tail. "I missed you." She said as he entered her.
"I missed you too." He breathed in her ear.
"Are you just saying that or you mean it?"
"I mean it, Jess." He answered, focusing on the work of Jess's body. He felt a conversation brewing. One of those nights where she lamented her feelings during the act, which technically worked in his favor, distracting him from the eventual orgasm, but he didn't want conversation, he just wanted to nut. Why did she have to make it so difficult? He couldn't get the photo of him and Julia out of his mind, the one she'd sent him on purpose and then had balls to ask if he was hard. What did she think the pic would do? Why did she fuck with his head and his heart like that? The whole time he fucked Jess and listened to her monotonous conversation, he closed his eyes and thought of Julia. Her white skin. Her small and perky tits, her on top of him, squeezing that fantastic tight pussy around his dick. And with that in his mind he made the ultimate mistake and took it too far when he came inside Jesslyn. He called her Julia.
"You fucking asshole." Jess cursed at him. "Did you just come and call me her name?"
"Jess, I am sorry. It just came out." He said, apologizing, but only because he had to not because he felt truly regretful.
"Are you thinking about her while you fuck with me?" She asked already knowing the answer. She didn't have to be psychic to figure that one out.
"Jess, I am so sorry." He apologized again. "The pussy is just so similar."
"Similar. My pussy is not similar, Jayson Keller. How dare you?" Jess asked.
Oh, fuck, now she's crying and I can't get that hot little red head and her pussy out of my head. "Shit, I should have just beat off." Jay complained, getting off of her. He threw the condom away and pulled on his clothes. "Want me to walk you home?"
"Fuck off, Jay." She yelled, pulling her clothes off the floor.
Well, there goes my back up piece, Jay thought. "Me fuck off? You're the one running your mouth and talking through the whole thing, making me think of someone else is the only way I can stand fucking you." He told her.
"Just a wet pussy. That's all I am? Jay, that hurts."
Here comes the guilt. Every single solitary female he'd ever encountered could get him that way. Make him feel about an inch tall. He hated being a dick to a girl. Usually it wasn't his style and he never would intentionally try to hurt one.
"Jesslyn, I am sorry." He said. "I shoulda kept that to myself. I'm just pissed off is all. Thanks for coming over."
That was when she slapped him. "Ow, Jess." Jay followed her downstairs and watched her walk home. He was in awe that he'd ever loved that girl. He did love her, but to be swept away by her and have her near him all the time. She just eventually got on his last nerves. She stopped in front of her house and turned back to him. She started the short trek back to the sidewalk in front of him.
"I am sorry, but I will never be her. No one is ever going to be her and you need to get the fuck over her and move on." She screamed at him. "I am never going to be good enough for you am I?"
"Jess, it's not that. You are."
"I wasn't good enough for him and I am not good enough for you. It's all about her. Julia, Julia, Julia. Well, I say fuck Julia."
"Ok, Jesslyn. Fuck Julia." He tried to match her momentum, but couldn't quite get there. Girls and their jealousy.
"Well, what's the problem with me then, Jay?"
"You get on my fuckin' nerves."
"You get on my nerves too. You think you don't. Your problem is you're too fucking nice."
"Really, Jess, I love you to death, but you're just annoying as fuck."
"Until you want me to come over, right?"
"Same here. I'm too nice and too emotional, till you wanna come over."
"Why do we still care, Jay?"
"I don't, Jess. You wanna come back inside and start over?"
"If you can restrain yourself from calling me Julia."
"Can you just shut up then? Like not talk through it?"
"I can." She said, walking toward him. "Don't think I even came back here because of you, Jayson. I left my phone up there."
"Are you two back together?" Julia asked, watching Jay and Jess snuggle on the basement love seat.
"No." They answered at the same time. At the very least that's what they could agree on.
"Oh, ok." She smiled, going back to her journal. Chess and Ray sat on the sofa beside her playing call of duty, shooting guns and avoiding getting shot. "Do you hear that?" Julia asked Chess, swearing there were monsters outside.
"No." Chess answered. "Why do you always hear it when we're down here?"
"Here what?" Ray asked.
"Zombies." Chess answered. He looked to Julia. "No, I won't go check. Cause they're not there."
"Fine. I know they're not out there."
"How do you know that?" Jess asked.
"Cause that's not how it starts." Julia answered. She started looking at the papers she'd printed, the bus schedules and started a rough plan on the weekend she and Chess were about to have.
"So when it starts, then what?" She asked innocently.
"You don't get bit." Julia answered.
"No, I am serious. What do we do?" Jess asked.
"Come over here with a bag, babe, you'll be ok. I'll take care of you."
"How'd you take care of me?" Jess asked.
She heard Jayson talking to her, filling her in on the details. Julia ignored that. It would be different the next time. "Jay, what are you telling her?"
"I'm sure it's all the good parts." Chess grinned.
"She knows what we did, most of it." Julia smiled. "She just didn't experience it like we did."
"You fell in love with me?"
"Jay, come on." Julia whined. "I loved you, yes. I loved a lot of people. I like to call it my hippie days."
"It was awesome." Chess remembered.
"Awe, Chess. It technically never happened, baby." She laughed, nudging him.
"It happened." Jay called.
"What happened?" Ray asked, perfectly clueless to the past.
"You were all schizophrenic at the time." Julia told him.
"Yeah, while she was eating pussy, you were in the asylum. You don't know what you missed, Ray." Chess told him.
"Who was eating whose pussy?"
"The girls. Kelly, not so much."
"Kelly never licked a pussy in her life. I tried so hard with that one. Couldn't get her there. Tavin was on her too much. He didn't like our activities."
"It was weird." Jay said.
"You weren't complaining." Julia informed him. "No one was complaining."
"I wouldn't do that." Jess announced. She sounded so sure of herself.
"Alright, Jess. Whatever. Just add vodka, babe. Just add vodka. I could have you right now if I chose to have you. So watch your mouth, babe."
"That's not true."
"Chess, can I?"
"No." He answered flatly without even thinking about it.
"You're the reason I like girls in the first place." Julia told her. Julia looked at Chess. "Baby, I have been so good. Please."
"No. Not her. Not here. No."
"Fine, then. Think about it. She's already half way there with Jay now. She's so easy."
"I am not easy, Julia. I like boys."
"No, Jess. You don't understand. You two were this beast of estrogen. I swear there was nothing hotter than watching you two do it."
"That's 100% fact." Jay added. "You two were always fucking somewhere. You did each other more than you did us."
"Chess, you guys are killing me with this. Can I at least make out with her?"
"Yes, by all means, Julia. Please." Ray said.
"Baby she tastes so good. Remember how good she tasted?"
"Look, hooker. It ain't happening."
"I thought you said that I do what I want with my body."
"Julia, we are not fucking around like that."
"Who said anything about you? No guys, just the girl. You take care of me when we're done. Like any other time."
"Oh, well, then ok. I thought you meant like we used to-" Chess agreed.
"Any other time. How many other girls have you had?" Jay asked, interest suddenly peaking.
"A few. I got bored in Philly." Julia answered." Hey, what time is it?"
" I don't know." Chess replied, fingers on the controller.
"It's almost 10."
"Shit, Cal's gonna flip out." Julia said, jumping off the couch.
"Curfew. Are we really caring about a curfew?"
"It'll be our curfew in a few days, babe. Where are we living anyways? Here or there?"
"Both. Who cares?" Ray answered. "Y'all don't care now?"
"What's in a few days?" Jess asked, getting herself off the love seat to go home as well.
"We're getting married." Julia answered.
"Why? You already are." Jay said. "Want me to take her home, gamer? I am taking Jess."
"Go ahead." He answered, fingers on buttons. Julia gave him a kiss. "Unless it's raining? Is it raining?"
"No rain. I'll let you know." Julia smiled, kissing him quickly so he wouldn't lose his concentration.
They walked to Jess's first, then they continued to Julia's on foot, not a long walk. Julia mentioned that one of them needed a driver's license. They already knew how to drive. Similar to her marriage, driving would be just a matter of the paperwork.
"Are you really marrying him? I think there's a million other things you could do with your time. Things aren't the same as there. There's so many other people in the world."
"You don't think he's right for me?"
"I think there's a million other people in this world."
"I am happy with him. Why cant anyone understand that?"
"You look bored together."
"How are we supposed to look together?"
"I don't know? Happy maybe."
"This is us happy, Jay. It's how we are."
"You could smile."
"I smile when necessary. So does he. I have no doubts."
"Never?" He asked as they approached her house. They stopped on the sidewalk.
"Jay, you wouldn't understand." She replied. "Hey, I have something for you. You wanna come in or wait here?"
"I'll come." he said. "Inside. I mean, yeah."
Jay followed her through the basement entrance to the inner sanctum of Julia. Her room was a reflection of her warped mind. Sticky notes and index cards, pictures tacked up of those she loved on a cork board. She'd covered the carpet with a variety of throw rugs. Some things she couldn't get out of her head. He had been nervous entering there, hadn't been in there since they got back. He never had a reason, especially since they weren't together anymore. It was a lot brighter inside.
"Things have changed." He noticed, looking at the pics. She'd replaced him, except for the one picture that had been her favorite of them together.
"Are you ok down here?" Julia asked, rummaging through her desk drawer. She pulled out an envelope and handed it over to him. "It takes a minute to adjust doesn't it?"
"Yes, definitely. What's in here?" He asked, looking at the envelope. He folded it and put it in his back pocket.
"Your money, Jayson."
"Money from where?" He asked.
"All the stuff you sold from your grand mom's house."
"I forgot about that." He admitted.
"That money changed hands so many times, I wasn't sure it was still here either. I found it breaking down Tatia's play pen."
"Well, thanks, I guess." He said, "Is that Care and Val?" He asked, looking at the pics on the wall.
"Yes, it's them. I talk to them."
"They remember."
"They do. Alex and Care are...close." Julia told him. "They still chat."
"I figured as much." Jay said.
"I was thinking, maybe we could take a drive this summer? Delaware is not that far away, Jayson."
"Like a Zombie apocalypse reunion?" He laughed. "What do you think will come of it? Those two?"
"Maybe he could kiss her?" Julia laughed. "Seriously though, we could go to the beach and swim or walk the boardwalk. We never went to the beach, Jay."
"We were a little busy killing and surviving to get to the beach."
"Coulda killed our way there. Maybe the next apocalypse?"
"Sounds like fun. Hey, you left it out." Jay grinned, plucking their picture from the board.
"Yeah. I love that picture of us, Jayson." She said, approaching him. She stood next to him, looking at their selfie.
"You were pregnant." He said under his breath as he pinned the pic back in its spot. "Ever think how different our life would be if we didn't lose her?"
"Yeah. I think the future would have been drastically different." Julia said, thinking of Jayla. "We'd be here. With a kid."
"We would have stayed together."
"I would have. You?"
"You left me remember? Not the other way around."
"I had good reasons, Jayson."
"I gave you a lot of reasons. Especially Hannah. I miss Hannah."
"I miss Hannah too. Her laugh, her smell, how warm she was. How she used to hold onto me as hard as I held onto her. It's ok to miss her, Jay. She's your daughter." Julia paused. "I wish I had a picture of her."
"Me too."
"Hey, I am glad I had the time I had with her." Julia said, feeling tears well up in her eyes. Julia leaned against him, looking at all the faces on the board. "Jay, we've lost and gained so many people. I don't want to dwell on the sadness anymore. Does that make sense?"
"It does, Jules. It's not easy sometimes." He admitted.
"You need someone, Jay. Someone new. I want you to find someone you can be whole with again. It makes me sad that you haven't."
"I tried with Jess, but I can't stand her." Jay said. "She's almost the one, but she's a pain in my ass."
"There's a million people out there. You just told me that a little while ago."
"You feel whole with Chess? Do you?"
"As strange as that sounds, Chess is so different in private from the Chess you know and see."
"When did you know?"
"The night we bugged out to the library. That's when I really knew."
"We were still together when you bugged out to the fucking library with Chess."
"That's where the seed was planted in my mind. He was there for me and after I broke up with you we got to know each other. He was during my nun phase."
"So when you went out there with him that night..."
"I knew what I wanted." Julia answered. "Jay, I wish there was a way to make you understand what I have with him and not feel like I left you out. When I say I love you, I mean it. When I say I love him, I mean it."
"Ok, then marry him."
"I plan on it. It's just a matter of paperwork. I had to be 18."
"This feels too good, Jules, I gotta leave." He whispered, separating himself from her.
"I know what you're feeling. I'm having trouble with it myself. I struggle with it, too. The feelings. The lingering feelings. When I tease you, it's because sometimes they creep up."
"You can't tell me stuff like that and not expect me to react, Julia. It's not fair to me-or him."
"I know it's wrong."
"And when you do that, it makes me want to act on it."
"I know that too."
"But you don't want to act on it." She didn't answer. "Right or am I wrong, Julia? Cause I wanna act on it. Bad." She didn't answer and she didn't move or think. She waited. "Julia, I want to do things to you I haven't done in a real long time."
"I know." She said.
"Are you teasing me now? Here? We have a lot of history here and-"
"Do the right thing, Jayson."
"I don't want to do the right thing, Jules."
"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told your brother a long time ago, we need to put other people ahead of our needs. I have to." Julia told him, refusing to look directly at him. If she looked at him she'd weaken and it would all crash down around her and him and she'd make bad decision. "When you get home, can you give Chess a message for me?"
"Sure." He sighed, heading to the door.
"Tell him it's raining." Julia smiled.
"But it's not raining, Julia."
"Tell him. He'll understand."
Jay jogged home, feeling a bit lighter. He could have had her if he wanted. He wasn't dumb. She couldn't even look at him. Obviously, it wasn't her first time struggling with fidelity, cause that had never been her strong point. Chess and Ray still sat on the sofa, playing COD.
"What took so long, Jay?"
"We were talking. Looking at pictures. He room's different for sure."
"You were inside."
"I was." Jay answered. "Don't worry. I left the pussy intact."
"Not worried about that, Jay. I trust her."
"She said to give you a message, though."
"What message?" He asked, staring at the screen, the heavily armored character plunging his way through abandoned streets with his weapon.
"She said it's raining."
"What the fuck...What were you two talking about exactly?"
"Uh-Hannah, at first, then feelings. She told me about when she fell for you and her undying, sickening, grotesque love for you."
"So, it's raining? For real, for real?"
"For real, that is what the girl said."
"Here, then. I'm out." Chess said, handing over the controller to Jay. "Later."
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