CHAPTER ONE-FORGIVENESS

Julia sat at the table after evening meeting. thinking. She constantly churned ideas through her mind. She was trying to figure out how to get out of there, to fix it so she'd never have to come back. Not that she didn't completely enjoy her home and her safety, but the more she lived there and the longer she stayed, the more she wanted to wreck the place. Tear the whole thing down so no one could linger there. Do or die, she thought, writing it in her notebook. Do or die, do I live or do I die?

Julia rose from her seat and fetched Hannah from the floor at her feet. The brown haired, brown eyed baby was getting fussy. She'd tired of her toys, tired of her day and Julia thought she felt the exact same way. "Come here, cranky butt." She called, lifting Hannah from the floor and cuddling her. She set the baby's butt on the table and tickled her, absorbing the laughter. Only babies laughed with such joy, that squeal from pure happiness. She hadn't been tainted yet by the world. Attention or bed time, Julia couldn't put her finger on Hannah's desires. Attention, she determined. Just like her attention seeking mother, Hayley.

Jay came in the house after checks with Chess and sat with Julia and Hannah at the table. Chess kept going, past them, to their room.

"Jay, where did Hayley go? Do you know? When people die here, where do they go?"

"No idea. I don't wanna find out either." He answered.

"So was her death like her becoming aware? And she moved on?"

"Maybe, but I am still here, so who knows?"

"Maybe she was offered the choice to stay or go."

"You think too much. You always have."

"I question life."

"Like I said, you think too much."

Hannah leaped off the table onto Julia, then Julia put her back, sliding her to Jay. She squealed with delight just from something so simple as sliding. She and Jay slid the girl back and forth until she had enough of that. It was the little things that made Julia happy these days. Games with Hannah was one of them.

"Julia, we doing a fire or what?" Chess called.

"Yeah, you start it. I'll be out in a bit. I need to put Hannah down."

Chess went outside and Julia lifted the heavy Hannah off the table into her arms. "Why don't you and Jess hang out tonight? I noticed she went and caught some feelings."

"We can. Are you alright with that?"

"I will forever be your friend, Jayson." Julia said, rising from her seat. "No matter what. The good, the bad, and the bullets. It's all random, right?" She said, touching his arm and managing the cranky Hannah on her hip.

"Send her down, then."

Julia went through the living room and gathered up Tatia and Daniel.

"Put your things away. Time for bed, guys." She told them as she started to climb the steps. They complained they weren't tired, but Julia stood firm as they gathered their crayons and books and put them away. "Tati, grab the bottle from Kelly please."

Tatia charged through the addition to Kelly's room and brought Julia some fresh squeezed milk. She held it away from Hannah, who started crying, reaching for the bottle. The group of 4 climbed the stairs and all into their beds. Julia changed Hannah and placed her in a fresh onesie. She handed off the bottle once she was in her playpen. Tatia dropped her blankie over the side of the pen and Hannah grasped it in her fist and drank the bottle. Kisses and hugs passed around and Julia tucked each kid into bed. She told Jess to come outside to the fire with Jayson. She was more than excited to be joining them. As Julia had tried to help Jess at home, she'd made Jess her project in zombie land also. Befriending her, making up with her and earning back every bit of trust she'd tossed aside with her. Julia had humbled herself, admitted she had been selfish and hurtful. What Julia had going through her mind was harsh and ugly. Jess would never have comprehended that. Until she realized at home that Jess was a survivor just like the rest of them. She was stronger than she'd ever realized she could be.

It took weeks to get Jess comfortable being in the same space with her. Weeks of letting Jess vent sarcastic and mean remarks. They finally had it out and they'd been better for it. Once Julia had broken down and let Jess feel vindicated in the slightest way, Julia started rebuilding their friendship. She disallowed her adventures with Jayson on the fence and outside, but included her in work that Jess would have found rewarding. She let her choose what she wished to do and Julia let Cass mentor her. She had to release some control, relinquish it to Jess. Jess had to lead her own life, make her own choices. She couldn't claim a girl she couldn't get close to anymore. Julia had to release her the right way. She'd made more mistakes with Jess than she cared to remember, but the fact she'd admitted them had mattered more than any apology Julia could have offered her.

Stealing Chess from her still wore Jess down sometimes. But she had to work on that in real life, admitting to her what had gone on with them in the place that Jess viewed as a dream. Jess missed and loved him so much. If she could only fathom how much Julia sensed that loss as well.

On the steps Julia passed Tavin carrying Tarin to bed. He lie asleep in dad's arms as dad cradled him all the way to bed. "Santa Claus came." He whispered as they passed. Julia felt joy, like a kid on Christmas day as she jogged to Tavin's room. Kelly sat on the bed and looked at all the stuff he'd unloaded from his pockets and jacket and pants. "Hey, Julia is your name."

"Yeah, it is. Hello, Kelly." Julia smiled, gathering up her condoms. "You seem a little confused."

"I am." She admitted. "I know who you are now. I saw you on tv."

"It's a dream."

"It doesn't feel like one." Kelly said. "I have breast milk and nicer boobs." She said to Julia, surprise filling her voice.

"Oh, sweet mother of God." Julia mumbled, carrying her condoms out of Tavin's room and into hers. She opened the top drawer and dropped them all inside.

"You don't want to get pregnant obviously." Kelly said, following her into the room. She carried the rest of the stuff Tavin brought with him. Julia hid the vodka. The cigarettes, the juicy couture she set on top of the dresser. Kelly picked the bottle up and removed the lid. She inhaled the smell.

"No, I don't want to get pregnant. Did he bring any papers with him?"

Kelly set them in her hand. "Thanks." She said as she tucked the printed papers into her journal. Kelly wandered off, exploring the downstairs. Julia left her wander a little, getting a feel for the place.

"Hey, you got your stuff?"

"Thanks, I did." Julia said, giving him a hug. "How am I doing?"

"You are sick. Still vented, but you're a fighter definitely."

"Fighter and hanging on by a thread are 2 different things."

"You're hanging on by a thread, yeah." He nodded.

"Do you feel comfortable letting me die? I know daddy will keep me in a condition that is unflattering to say the least. When it's time, can you talk with him? Let him know it's ok. I'm always ready, Tavin. Jayla-"

"No, don't talk like that."

"Jayla will come for me when it's time. I will go if I see her."

"No. No. Let's not, it's too soon. Let the antibiotics work."

"There's no antibiotic for this. Remind him, when it's time, that hospice is an option. How is Dylan?"

"I like Dylan. He's taking his meds and he's ok for now. I could hang with Dylan. Do you miss him?"

"No, not anymore. It's been so long."

"It's been 3 days."

"Three days. Try four months, Tavin. Four months I have been here." Julia complained. Julia head toward the back door. "Kelly, yo, outside. Come on."

Kelly hurried to the addition and Tavin let the girls head out first to the fire that Chess had set. He, Jay and Jess were already smoking some of Chess's weed. Julia knelt in front of Chess and took the joint. "Kelly, you smoke or no?"

"No, I don't. Thank you." She said standing by Tavin. She nervously took his hand and he pulled her down to the blanket they sat on.

"Hey, Julia." Chess said as she leaned to kiss him, swerving out of her way. She nearly fell frontward, stopping herself on one hand.

"Hey, what the fuck, Chess."

"Jess is here." Jess gave Julia a huge hug and didn't want to let her go. "I see that." Julia said, separating from the hug. "It seems like there's a bunch of extra people with us tonight."

"I had nothing to do with this." Jayson announced, sitting back and separating himself from all of them. "Nothing. Julia, I swear I didn't bring any of these people to us."

"I thought you did." Jess said, looking at Julia.

"I didn't. No." Julia said, standing back on her feet. She scanned the small group of sentients around her. She looked to Chess.

"You?"

"I'm not good with the timing am I?" He asked, standing up with her.

"The timing, all at once? And Jesslyn?"

"I haven't worked out all the specifics yet of one or all, Julia."

"You should tell her." Tavin suggested.

"Can you explain this to me too?" Kelly asked.

Jess stood up too, trying to take hold of Chess. "No, Jess, no. You cant do that here. Not this house." Julia said firmly.

Jess halted but looked at her quizzically. "But, I-"

"No, Jess."

"Chess, send her home? Send her back."

"No, why can't I touch him? You brought me to him last time. You left me with him. I didn't get to-"

"We're married, Jesslyn." Chess said.

"Who is married to who, Chess?"

"We are." Chess answered.

"That's why you wouldn't-you wouldn't touch me?"

"Who am I to you people?" Kelly asked loudly. "What do I have to do with any of you people?"

Julia wasn't sure where to begin. She was downright tired of explaining this to everyone.

"You don't have anything to do with us. You were in the right place at the right time, Kelly. "

"You couldn't tell me this at any time since you came home, Julia?"

Jess asked angrily.

"Jess, it would hurt you terribly. You're mourning him. All that time you thought I was sympathizing with you about missing Jayson. I was missing him. Jess, babe, it's a long story and what happens here is so very different from reality."

"You married my boyfriend."

"No. I married my boyfriend. You guys were over. Me and him, we were over. I fell in love with Chess and I married him. The Jess that's here knows this."

"I let you marry my boyfriend?"

"You are close to him now."

"Him? Jay? The Jess from here is going out with the Jay from here."

"Jess, I know this is confusing, but there's really no such thing as going out anymore."

"I didn't know about any of this till Julia left me the notes. I had no idea anything that happened at home. All I knew was that we were here and I accepted that. You and me didn't work out."

"But me and Jay? He put a gun to your head and he murdered you. He was going to murder me. He killed Hayley and Andy."

"This is why we don't go back and forth. This is exactly why we don't bring these people here." Jay said.

"Why am I here?" Kelly asked.

"You were picked up from Green Street with your brothers when the infection came. We brought you with us cause we weren't gonna leave you three kids by yourself. You and my brother got together and had Tarin."

"What infection?"

"Kelly, listen to Tavin. He can tell you what you want to know."

"And you-you knew all of this all this time?" Jess asked Tavin.

"Only what Julia told me, Jess. We talk."

"You fuck, you mean."

"Oh, my God." Julia said. She had officially lost all control. "No we don't."

"You have. When you got home."

"It was a pity fuck. One fucking time, then I met Dylan a few weeks later."

"You didn't tell me this." Chess said.

"I did not pity fuck you, Julia." Tavin argued.

"I needed someone and he was there for me. I wasn't sure how things worked. I felt comfortable trying that with him."

"What? Why?"

"I'm in a wheelchair. Everything was taken from me. My ability to feel anything from the waist down. You think I would even dare try that with a stranger? The first time? What if it was awful? He would understand. He wouldn't leave me if it was awful. He wouldn't abandon me. He wouldn't hurt me and he wouldn't make fun of me. I knew I was safe with him."

"You could have told me. You told me about Dylan."

"I thought you'd be mad at me."

"Was it awful?"

"No, but it was a lot of work. It's different."

"This is what you've done." Jess yelled at Jay.

"Leave him alone. You don't get to come here and make judgments about Jayson."

"Julia-"

"Regardless of what he's done. He's my family."

"It's alright, Julia." Jayson said. "I can't ask for forgiveness."

"I forgive you, Jayson. Here, you're my friend and my family and I would kill for you. I have killed for you. We have all killed for each other. Whether you were present or not, we have all taken lives here. We've all protected the lives here. We have stood at each other's side and no matter what the circumstances, I would do it all over again. I may not be with him, but I do love him. You all did at some point in time. Every last one of you." Kelly looked confused. "Yes, Kelly. Even you." Julia informed her. "Those of you that participated know exactly what I am talking about. Those of you that didn't, I wish you could know a piece of what you think you know." Julia turned back to Jess. "You don't have to like it and you don't have to accept it. But you will respect it."

"I forgive you too." Chess said.

"I don't deserve it." Jay said quietly.

"Awe, I forgive you. These people seem to love you so much." Kelly said, crawling across the ground to him. She put her arms around him and held him. "You poor thing, you. I'm so sorry this happened to you, Jayson."

"You don't know anything that happened."

"I saw it on the news. I was there watching it with everyone else and crying for people I didn't know." Kelly argued. "I went to the square for the vigil and we all cried for all of you that were gone."

Kelly sat with Jayson, holding him.

"We should deal with this. We'll have to. We either forgive and move on or we don't forgive and continue to live hating him. Who are we to judge him?" Tavin said. "He's my brother. No one helped me. Not even my own family helped me. There were no fund raisers for him. The only services we had for him were those public vigils. No one stepped up to help me remember him."

"Where is he now?" Julia asked. "At home. Where is he?"

"I took him to Pittsburgh. He was cremated." Tavin answered. "I dropped out of school and moved in with Sandy and John till I could pay the funeral home."

"So he's not at rest, Tavin?" Julia asked. "Jay, where would you like your ashes?"

"What? No where. Keep them I guess."

"Where would you like us to scatter them, Jayson? Maybe that would help?" Tavin asked.

"Where are Chess and Hayley? Where were they buried? And Andy?"

"Should we include Andy in this?" Tavin asked.

"No, please. Let him live the lie." Jayson asked of them. "I wish I didn't know any of this and should she be listening to any of this?" Jay motioned to his hugger as he patted her back, consoling her more so than she consoled him.

"Too late, she's already heard more than she needs to know." Julia looked to Jess, then Tavin. "Where are they buried?"

"Well, Hay is at the catholic cemetery, St Paul's and Chess is at Shades Cemetery."

"Andy?"

"He's buried with his dad in Oaks Lawn."

Tavin pulled his cell phone out and tossed it to Jayson. "Look. At the pictures. Go to the pics and look at them."

"Tavin, should he go home again?"

Chess sat next to Jay as he flipped through a couple hundred picures of what was home after the shootings. It was all vigils and candles and people crying and hugging. Julia in a hospital bed. Headstones. The pictures he took of Julia's room, the blood stains, the crime scene tape, the cops and news media all over Maverick. Julia in her wheelchair making a goofy face, Tarin asleep in his bed, Kelly's pic from the house that Julia had sent to him. Tom's pic from the meeting.

"You said that we need to deal with this." Tavin reminded her.

Jay and Chess stopped on a couple pics and both started laughing, which stopped their tears from rolling down their cheeks. "Nice nude shots." Chess said as he and Jay saw Callie in an entire new light.

"Who's she?" Kelly asked.

"My girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? I thought you said you'd wait for me." Kelly gasped.

"Kelly, 4 years is a very long wait. Very. I have needs."

"Come to me, then. Don't do this with her." She yelled at him. "I'm waiting for you."

"Oh, my God." Julia mumbled. "Tavin, why would you tell her that?"

"I meant it, Julia. That's why I said it to her."

"They're fighting like they fight here." Chess laughed.

"I can't just come to you."

"I'm sure we can work something out, Tavin. No one would have to know."

"This is a discussion that we cant have, Kelly."

"You already had me, though."

"Here, yes. It's different."

"Here without my knowledge. Then here with my knowledge. When do I get you there? 4 years from now?"

"Dude, you had her virginity twice?" Jay laughed.

"Yes, and I'm your wife, Tavin. We're like married. And you're living with this girl? I broke up with Jeremy for you."

"Kelly, it's not possible."

"I already had your baby, Tavin. How do you do this to the mother of your child?"

"Kelly, you do not have my child yet."

"Here I do. There's a very small space between here and there. I want Tarin there too."

"Oh, no. No, don't start thinking like that, Kelly. Tarin will come when he's ready." Julia said, trying to help out at least one of them.

"I am not a side chick, Tavin Keller. Why did you marry me?"

"I haven't married you." He said, throwing his arms up at her. "Kelly, separate home and here. Remember we have to-"

"I don't want to. Did you say all that just to have sex with me?"

"No, I didn't, but-"

"You've been here since I gave you the list of things I asked for?"

"Yes."

"And you couldn't have brought that stuff sooner?"

"What stuff?" Chess and Jay asked. "You can bring stuff with you?"

"He brought me condoms, Chess."

"And vodka." Kelly added.

"You have vodka?" Chess asked. "Where is it?"

"I was gonna tell you, but he just got here." Julia said. "It's in my bottom drawer."

Chess and Jay took that moment to hand the phone to Kelly and fetch the vodka.

"I didn't go shopping, Julia. Time is different here and there. I have spent more time here than there lately."

"Me too." Kelly added. "That's why you're totally breaking my fucking heart right now."

"I'll leave her, then. Fine. Whatever you want, I'll do it. I'll risk it. We'll figure something out."

"Cause I was thinking. That house is for sale..."

"Neighbors." Julia laughed. "You can move in your grandmom's house. A love shack and you can live happily ever after having lots of little Tarins with your adult boyfriend. Kelly, that's your plan?"

"You're in charge. What would you do?"

"Mind your own business, Julia." Jess suggested.

"Yeah, you're the problem solver." Tavin said. "Kelly, come over here please."

"This has gotten so out of control." Julia said, sitting back on the blanket. She started wiggling her ring around on her finger.

"He gave that to you?" Jess asked, holding Julia's hand.

"He did. When he proposed to me. Right here." Julia smiled.

"Where's my ring? You didn't get me a ring?" Kelly asked.

"No," Julia called to her. "He tattooed your hand with a K. Like his."

"Where did he get that pretty ring, Julia?" Jess asked.

Chess and Jay came back out with the vodka and took their places. Chess sat next to Julia and Jay and Jess sat separated.

"I killed bitches for that ring." Chess answered. "I took it off a zom."

"Ewww, gross." Jess said, lying her head against Julia's shoulder. "It's alright. I'll get over this." Jess told her, crying again. "I have spent a lot of time with Jay lately.' Julia put her arm around Jess's shoulder and laid her down. "I guess I been getting to know him. I think I know why now." Her head rested on Julia's leg as she cried. They sat in silence a long time, watching the fire and passing the vodka from person to person. Jess finally stopped crying, sat up and moved to Jay snuggling up against his chest.

Julia looked at Tavin and Kelly, kissing and talking softly to each other while laying on their blanket. His cell phone sat on the blanket in front of them. No K on Kelly's hand so she was still present.

"They're just like they are here." Chess pointed out to her.

"I see that."

"It'll never work at home. You know that, right?"

"He knows that. She's in love and girls do pretty sketchy stuff when they're in love with a boy, especially the first love."

"Chinese." Chess announced loudly. "House shrimp lo mein."

"Ok, my Chess. Are you hungry?"

"Bring it with you. If you can bring shit. Man, I haven't had Chinese food in so long."

"Strawberry ice cream." Jay added. "Jess, what do you from from home?"

"To go back." She replied. "Before all this happened. To go back to when I was just a girl next to a pool in my back yard with my fucking boyfriend trying to get to bikini bottom."

"Bikini bottom." Chess laughed. "I spent the summer begging to get to bikini bottom."

"And turn you down." Jess said, getting up. She grabbed Jay's hands. "If you want to do something productive, why don't you go back and prevent this? Go back and keep this from starting? Go back and take the fucking gun out of his hands." Jess cried. "Then you could take away all this pain and all this grief. Come with me, Jayson." She said, extending her hand to him. "Let's go inside."