"Can I have my stuff back?" Julia asked Chess, inspecting the stitches above his eye. Tavin's work. His face was bruised and his ego was bruised worse. He didn't answer, slamming his locker shut and walking off. She was on his heels. "You have my phone. My books. My clothes. You have my school bag." He kept walking. "Chess, please. I know you're mad, but I need my things."
"You know where I live. Go get the stuff after school."
"Ok." She called after him, hoping there would be more of a conversation.
Julia couldn't concentrate. Why was he so angry? Because of what Jay said? Because she'd spoken to him about Philly? Was he jealous? Or worse, did they break up? Julia wasn't exactly sure of anything. Julia went to Chess's before anyone else had arrived home, she got there and gathered her belongings. She had accumulated more than she had thought and it had been deposited all over Sandy's house. She spent her time packing and crying, but moving fast. She didn't want to run into any of them. She wanted to be out before they got home.
When she exited the front door, she found Chess on the sidewalk. He took a couple bags off her and they walked home together in awkward silence. She didn't know what to say, scared she'd start a conversation that he would finish and it would be their last. She could feel the anger emanating off him as they walked together and she cried quietly on the short walk to her house. He dropped her things inside the basement door and turned and walked away from her, leaving her alone and crying. She was tired of crying.
"Chess, here." She said, her voice cracking as she looked at her ring, then pulled the ring off. She placed it in the palm of his hand and let him go. His choice. Somehow she'd get over this too. She could add it to the list of the things in her life that she fucked up.
"I'm angry." He said, taking her hand and putting her ring back on her finger. "But don't take that off your hand." He killed bitches for that ring.
"I won't. I thought-"
"He was right. About the Kevin-Hayley thing. I should never have gone for that in a million years and I don't know why I did? I think it's because you do what you want with your body. I never even thought to question you."
"It's ok, Chess."
"It is not ok. I take the blame for it."
"I like girls, Chess."
"It's never gonna happen again, Julia. Jayson was right."
"Chess, I think we just rationalized it."
"Ok. I accept that. You need to keep your mouth shut about our personal stuff, Julia. There's some stuff that should stay between you and me. I like that you are this free spirit, but damn, you blew us up like that."
"I'm used to being open and honest, but I could try that."
"You can be open and honest and not have a big fucking mouth. Some stuff is just ours."
"Ok."
"I know you're scared here. I shouldn't have put you out like that."
"I'm ok now. Come see what I did with the place. Andy stayed with me for a few days till I got used to it again."
"Your brother, Andy?"
"There's only one Andy, Chess." She said, taking her stuff inside. "Well, what do you think?"
"Wow, it's clean."
"Yeah, and brighter. And I got a desk and a work area for my planning. I hung up all my sticky notes and index cards. See?"
"I see you took down all the pictures."
"Uh, they were all Jayson. This place was all me and Jay. It's the first thing I did, took them down. I still have them tucked away, but I didn't want them up anymore." She hugged him as he stood, looking around the room. "He's my past, Chess. I mean that. If I take only one thing in this world serious, Chess, it's us."
"You have to be faithful, Julia. If nothing else, I need that from you. Can you do it?"
"I haven't done anything though."
"I won't tolerate you whoring around. I am not Jay. I will walk away from you and never look back. Itold you what I expect a long time ago."
"Did you expect me too be faithful to a ghost, Chess?"
"Yeah. I did."
"Well, time was our handicap then, Chess. Like, you've only been with me. I haven't done anything though, Chess. Did he tell you what really happened or not?"
"He told me." Chess said, taking a seat on the end of her bed. "You knew exactly what you were doing. "That's the point. That's fucked up."
"I didn't even touch him."
"Julia, you're fucked up."
"I promise I won't fuck with Jay's head anymore. Ok?"
"You are such a bitch, Julia. How about you say you're fucking sorry?"
"Oh, is that what this is about? You want an apology?" Julia asked. "Why didn't you just say that then?"
"Why should I have to? It's not clear for you? Are you really that selfish and mean that what you did wouldn't hurt me?"
"I didn't touch him."
"You fucking went there with him. What the fuck is wrong with you? You don't see what you did was wrong?"
"We talk about sex all the fucking time, Chess. We always have. All of us."
"Julia, how do I put this so you'll understand me?" He asked.
"I understand you just fine."
"No, you don't." He said, shaking his head, then he walked out.
So Chess stayed distant and pensive. They saw each other at school and they separated after school ended. She kept her ring on because he told her to. They hadn't broken up even though it felt like they did sometimes. Chess went on with his life and she went on with hers, but it was strange definitely. They texted and chatted, but didn't really hang out anymore. It was only three weeks and she continued to wait for him to signal her that he wasn't angry anymore. She still wasn't sure exactly what she'd done wrong.
She'd grown accustomed to being home again, making her basement room hers all over again and she fought the chills and the weirdness of it alone. She'd pushed Andy out of her room because he and Rey had their own thing going on from time to time. They weren't a couple anymore, but they hung out from time to time. Rey had gone untouched by their memories and if Andy had any lasting memory of the place they'd returned from, Julia couldn't tell. Maybe he pushed it into a crevice in his mind and blocked it out? Julia thought him lucky. He got amnesia. He got to forget. He got to live like it had never even happened.
Chess had come to her twice during their trial separation. He texted her and said he'd be over and to leave the door unlocked. He crept into her bed and informed her she was his wife and undressed her, made love to her, then left her laying alone when he was done with her. He wouldn't talk. He wasn't playful and he wasn't himself.
"Julia, what's wrong with you two?" Kelly asked her at lunch the next day.
"Just a bump in the road is all. He's mad at me."
"Why?" Kelly asked.
"Can't say." Julia answered, listening to the hum of the voices in the lunch room. She scanned the room and looked for him. Sometimes he sat with them and sometimes he didn't.
"Not like you to keep stuff inside. Are you alright?"
Julia found him. He sat with a girl, a fairly plain and pretty girl named Alicia. She knew Alicia from school, but she was an alright girl. Nice enough. They were just talking. Julia felt this burning sensation churning in her stomach and pushed her tray away. She watched them. Alicia smiling at Chess. They're just talking, Julia told herself. Maybe he's dealing to her? Julia wondered.
She texted him: wtf?
She watched him look at his phone, then look back at Alicia.
"Kelly, do you see them?" Julia asked. "Tell me it's not what I think it is."
She texted him: I will fuck her up.
"I see." Kelly nodded, taking a drink from her juice bottle.
Chess covered the girl's hand with his. Julia turned a harsh shade of red.
She texted him: I will fuck you up.
He left his hand over Alicia's and then Alicia pulled it away. Pot, Julia thought. It was drugs.
But they still sat next to each other. Alicia put the weed in her pocket, then put her hand back on Chess's. She realized what Chess was doing. He was doing this on purpose. Julia put her hair up in a scrunchie, then texted him again: I'm getting up.
"We going over there?" Kelly asked, putting her hair up as well. "We can take her."
"Shit, I can take her all by myself." Julia complained. "I'm not taking her out though. Just him. Sneaky, skinny, fucking dick." Julia was angry. She knew what he was up to. He usually didn't play games. "Stay here."
Julia walked confidently to the table where they sat. She stood by Chess, looked at Alicia. "Get the fuck outta here." She said to her. Alicia had an attitude, but she still got up and left. She was quiet, thinking, wanting to grip him around his throat and squeeze. That's what she'd do at the farmhouse. She wouldn't have hesitated. But she had to control herself. "I understand. I'm sorry."
"Had you putting the hair up..." He smiled. "Why are you sorry? Remind me, Julia."
"Cause I hurt your feelings. It wasn't about me running my mouth. It was about me being sexual with someone else. You're right, so you forgive me?"
"Yeah, working on it."
Julia was getting wasted. Put a bottle of vodka in her hands and there was no turning back once the cap was off. Julia liked to drink. She'd be the first to admit that. It made her forget. It took her to her happy place, which let Chess into her happy place. She was never a mean drinker, never a weepy drinker. Julia was a happy drinker. The happier she got, the less clothes she wore, which made Chess very happy. They sat on the floor playing poker, doing shots. Sometimes they forgot there were rules, at least loose rules that his parents had in place. The first rule of drink club: don't get caught. Don't leave your bottle out in the open and don't get drunk when Sandy and John were still up and around.
His dad caught the two of them drinking and confiscated the bottle from them, warning them to sober up, not to let Sandy catch them. Julia was pissed, but said sorry. At least they were home, getting lit in the room and not off running the streets of Philadelphia unattended. Chess's parents had just about had enough of them and if it hadn't been for his dad pulling them out of the fire with Sandy, they would have been thrown out, separated, in rehab or worse. John had the mind set that boys will be boys. Chess was different, head strong and stubborn. He always had walked to the beat of his own drummer. And Julia had been a fixture in their house for so long she was like his kid too. While his other kids were out running the streets doing the exact same thing, Julia and Chess kept it in the room. John cut them off.
"Chess, how did we go from running things to being told what to do again?" Julia asked, pulling the back up Snapple bottle full of vodka from beneath his bed. "We need to move."
"Where?"
"In with Tavin." She said.
"He's worse than my parents, Julia."
"Yeah, sober house." She smirked, reaching up to the door knob and flipping the lock. "We're behaving, Chess. I mean it's not like we're fucking around anymore. Right?"
"Why did I buy us into Tav's if we can't go there?"
"You didn't buy us into Tav's. I did." He reminded her.
"So why can't we go there? Tell me? We can fuck in peace. We can't get wasted or anything but we can at least get naked and not worry about Ray walking in or yo parents?"
"We could go to your house."
"I'm trying to respect my dad, Chess. Remember?"
"What happens next week?"
"What about it? What's next week, baby?"
"Uh, it's your fucking birthday, Julia."
"And, since when does that matter?"
"It matters cause you're 18. It matters cause I'm making an honest fucking woman of you."
Julia laughed. "What are you gonna do to me?"
"Julia, we're getting married."
"What? We are?" She asked. She swore she heard him, but wasn't sure. She was lit after all.
"I thought we were going to get married, Julia. Like we're both legal."
"We already are married, Chess." She said, holding up her zombie ring. "Are you asking me again?"
"It's just the little matter of paperwork now." He shrugged. "You don't wanna?"
"Hell, yeah, I wanna. You could have clued me in that we were gonna do it. Like are we just gonna go do it?"
"I thought so, yeah."
"Cool. Ok."
"I thought you'd be happier."
"Chess, we've been married for how long now? I was more excited then." She told him. "So are we going to live together? I don't plan on spending another night without you next to me. You know that right?"
"Sounds like a plan. My house or yours?"
"They're gonna be pissed. I think we should tell my dad though. I should have brought your dad in like we brought my dad in." Julia thought aloud. "Hey, we can get bands, babe. Like wedding bands."
"Where's the lap top?"
"Basement." Julia said, rolling the Snapple bottle back under the bed. "Are we going on amazon or something?"
"Yeah, let's find us some rings." He said, getting off the floor. He opened the top drawer of his dresser, rummaged through socks and condoms till he found the bank card. He and Julia head downstairs to the basement.
They had no idea there were even people down there till they arrived. It was hit or miss with the basement. Either it was an empty space where they kept their toys or there was half the high school. Crowded in there as people watched the Xbox live game, listened to music and hung out. Ray was there with Cassidy. Jay and his new flavor of the week made out on the love seat. He and Jess never could get off the ground once they came back.
"I can get in my room now?" Ray asked, taking Cass's hand.
"You always can." Chess answered, opening up the lap top. He pulled Julia onto his lap and they opened up Amazon.com
"Throw our blanket out, if you want us to sleep down here." Julia called after him.
Within a few minutes, they found his and hers matching bands.
"Julia, quit staring." Chess said, closing the lap top.
"She's fine though, Chess." Julia whispered. "Look how pretty. She's pretty, like the last one."
Julia took the bank card from him and went upstairs to the room. They never locked the door or threw the blanket out. She knocked. Cass answered.
"Hand me the Snapple bottle from under the bed, the blanket, and put this in the condom drawer."
"It's a bank card. What do you need money for?"
"We bought something off amazon."
Cass handed off the Snapple bottle and the blanket. Julia went back downstairs and watched the show. Chess's basement with more vodka came alive. People came and went, Julia just watched and made out with Chess. Better than TV. There were drugs and alcohol and various sexual situations, video games, music and laughter. Chess started to mingle. Julia saw the drugs.
She approached a couple guys from their class, saw they had what she wanted.
"Gimme some of that." Julia said, hand out.
The boy named Gunny looked at her. "Julia, no. Chess said-" He looked across the room at Chess.
Julia rolled her eyes. "I wanna trip. C'mon." She urged. "He said it's ok. I say it's ok." The boy stuck the little piece of paper in her palm, which she promptly placed in her mouth. Sometimes vodka wasn't enough. She loved acid. She hadn't had any since Kevin got her some.
She found Chess before he could find out Gun didn't listen to him.
"I hate when you trip, Julia. It takes too long." He told her.
"You mad?"
"No, I'm not mad. Just leave your fucking clothes on, ok."
"I only took them off that one time because they caught on fire."
"You were not on fire." He argued, hating her hallucinations. Her trips were almost always work for him. He hated having to babysit her. He had a feeling this was going to be a long night.
"What is she on?" Jay asked Chess annoyed.
"Acid." He answered, watching her across the room talk to Jay's flavor of the week. "You better get pretty girl away from her."
"Since when does she do acid? She's freaking weirded out, Chess. Talking about Indian headdresses and hearing fucking drums."
"Stop looking so native fucking American then." Chess suggested, finishing up the vodka from the Snapple bottle. "Wifey has issues."
"Wifey does."
"Fuck my life. I hate this. She goes and gets all fucking trippy and I have to fucking baby sit her ass. This is such bullshit, Jay."
"I know. What happened to her? She's like this different person."
"She never adjusted. Coming back here. She still ain't used to it. She's lost." Chess told him as they watched Julia sinking her claws in to pretty girl. Chess had seen Julia work before. Knew she was interested in Jay's pretty girl from when they first came downstairs. "You need to go get her." Chess warned him.
"She's your wife, Chess." Jay laughed as Julia and pretty girl got close enough to kiss. "I'm just watching."
"I meant your girl. Julia is fine on her own for now." Chess said.
"I just want to watch."
"She's looking for the next Jess." Chess informed him.
"The old Jess is down the block." Jay said to him, motioning to the door.
"I don't know how to fix her. How did you do it? Fix her all the time?"
"Fixing her takes...you just have to know what buttons to push." Jay paused. "And this ain't right. It takes time to get to know her."
"I know her." Chess argued.
"You enable her." Jay smiled. "You never lived with an addict. You don't know." He said, shaking his head. "It's fun in the beginning. It is. She's spontaneous, she's awesome, right? She's perfect. And she's got ways of just bringing you to your knees. She's manipulating like that. She's too smart and she's too strong. She's this great girl, but deep down she has real big fat ugly issues. Being with you is just toxic. You have the same issues."
"I have no issues."
"You're kidding me. You are just as fucked up as she is. You're just as high. Just as drunk and just as fucking crazy. Neither one of you can handle the other. You don't match here. You don't work here like you did there. Neither of you knows how to live here. All your anger issues and your fucked up ways don't have any truth here."
"So, I don't get it."
"You wouldn't." He shrugged. "Like I said. You don't know her."
Jay left him to get his pretty girl and remove her from the roaming hands that Julia was placing over her body. She had to leave anyway. Pretty girl had a curfew and Julia had already gone further than he did with her. "Say bye, Julia." Jay told her.
"Oh, bye." Julia smiled.
"Well look who came down to earth." Jay said as he descended the steps to the basement. He brought her some orange juice.
"Oh, hi. Thanks." Julia said, taking the cup from him. She covered herself with the blanket when Jay approached. Chess lay beside her on the floor. The room was oppressively dark.
"So, what's going on with you?"
"Nothing. Why?" She asked, sipping the juice. Her mouth was so dry.
"Just seems like you're off lately." Jay replied, sitting Indian style on the floor across from her.
"Aren't we all?" She asked. She gulped down her juice. Her mouth was so dry.
"Not all of us. No." He replied, taking the empty cup. "Want some more?"
"No, thanks." She answered.
"You're a fucking mess. You know that right?"
"Painfully aware." She nodded, hoping he was going to leave her alone.
"You gotta get your shit together." He told her. He picked up her clothes from the floor across from him. He handed them to her. "It's not what you wanted. This."
"No." She answered, pulling her tee shirt over her head. "No, it's not what I expected."
"What did you expect, Jules?" He asked.
"I should be grateful, you know. I got everything I wanted."
"What was it that you wanted when you came up with that big plan of yours?"
"Chess. Here, with me."
"And what else?"
"What the hell is this a quiz?" She asked.
"What else?"
"For you and Hayley and Andy to be home and safe." She answered.
"Are we?"
"Well, yeah."
"So what is wrong with you? It worked, the plan."
"Amanda, what I did to her. I hate myself for that. I think about her all the time, Jay, which means I think about it all the time Jay."
"It? You have to deal with it."
"I thought we'd come back without the memories. I can take all of it, the first night to the last night. The whole mess that came before first night. But that, I want to forget that."
"Well, how about you call it what it is? Face the fact that you were raped."
"I shouldn't have to deal with this now. Why do I have to deal with this now? Technically it never happened."
"Technically, it did happen. He did rape you. All of this is not helping."
"I feel so gross and I feel so wronged and violated and it makes me mad. I'm mad that I still remember it." She said as she started crying. "Why do I have to remember it? Why?"
"Because you do." He said, taking her hand and holding it. "I'm sorry I couldn't get there in time. I'm sorry that you tried to stop it and it didn't work. I'm sorry that after all that hard work, you still remember it."
Julia cried. " I should have gone in there myself. I made the wrong decision, Jayson. I made the wrong choice. I sent someone else in to suffer in my place and...I sacrificed her for me, and I still remember it. Fuck." She wiped her tears away with the blanket. "If I could jump back, I would change it. I have tried, Jay. When it hurts so bad, I have tried to jump back. I can't do it. I can't. I can't fix this."
"Why are we just finding out about this now?" Jay asked.
"Everyone wanted me to shut the fuck up, Jayson. We were home and we had to get back to normal. You all got tired of hearing me go on and on and on. About nonsense. We succeeded and I only feel like a failure. So that's what I did. I shut up."
"Since when do you listen to us?" He laughed.
"I talked with Tavin about Amanda."
"What about him?" Jay asked, pointing to Chess.
"What about him?"
"Why couldn't you tell him all of this?"
"He knows as much as the rest of you. It's not new news."
"Why do you feel comfortable talking to me about it?"
"I'm not feeling comfortable about this? Is that the impression you're getting? Does this look fucking comfortable to you?"
"From now on, you talk about it as much as you want. Whenever you want. We love you, Julia." He paused. "You know he asked me last night to fix you because he can't."
"You're not fixing me. You never could."
"The point, Jules, is he can handle what you told me. He has to know you like I do. Even the ugly stuff."
"Great. I'm fucking up this too."
"Julia, just talk to him. You can't keep talking with me and Tav about this stuff. He lived it too. He feels like he can't help you. You make him feel like he doesn't matter."
"I talk to all of you the same way. The problem is we all don't live with each other anymore and when I tell one of you something he gets mad at me like I am excluding him on purpose. I'm not. It was easier when we all lived under the same roof. We all knew everything. I'm not keeping secrets from anyone. I trust you fucking people. All of you. I don't choose one over the other."
"Tell him that. And fix your shit. You're smart. Think of something."
"I know."
Jay got up and took himself back upstairs, leaving her with Chess. She finished getting dressed and went to get up when he stopped her. He pulled her back to him and covered her back up. "So, talk."
"You were listening. You know."
"No, keep talking. I want you to talk with me like that. Cause I have asked you a million times what is wrong? I have asked you to tell me stuff. Since we left. I need to know what you're thinking."
"I'm thinking that I shouldn't bother you with the past."
"Bother me."
"The past involves him. It-you don't like when I talk about me and Jay. You get jealous. You get mad like he can do anything for me and you can't. So much of what I think about has to do with him. Then you're gonna go off and think I want him or still have feelings for him. And I don't wanna fight about Jayson again." She snapped. "Maybe I should say if I wanted Jayson I could have Jayson?"
"You love Jayson."
"I do. I love him so much. Do you want me to talk about that with you?"
"If you have to, I guess so."
"I don't like your jealousy. Like, I don't like you thinking I still want him like that. He's my friend, Chess. He's going to always be part of my life-our life. I didn't save his ass to never speak to him again. I didn't go through what we went through to constantly fight about him either. So whatever you have going on in your head, you're just wrong about us."
"Ok. That's a start." Chess said. "So get it out. All of it."
"All of what?"
"Whatever you need to say. Get it out."
"It's like you get mad cause I was with him. All the first stuff I did with him. We have inside jokes. We have stuff we share that me and you don't have. It's all because he came first and I think you're mad you didn't come first. And if you wanted to have a chance with me then you should have taken it. I think you are jealous of him. I think then you did have a thing for me and I think you regret not taking advantage of me like his brother did."
"Ok, we've moved on to the brother. Good. Keep going."
"The brother has nothing to do with you. Absolutely nothing. I don't understand why you're like bitter when it comes to Tavin."
"I'm not."
"You're not?"
"Nope. But keep going, please."
"You're so insecure about them. It's so sad too. Those two might have come first, but you got me. Congrats, you won the fucking prize. And I feel like you feel like you're coming in last. There's nothing wrong with last. Aren't you lucky?"
"Yes."
"Lucky to have this fucked up little drug abuser rape victim that cant get her shit together. That has nothing to do with you, you know that right?"
"It has everything to do with me, Julia I was there."
"Why do I feel like you're about to just say shut up?"
"I'm not." He said, holding her tighter around her waist.
"So I don't know who I am anymore. I have no role, no identity. I am so unfocused and just so lost here. What am I supposed to do with myself? I can't take care of anyone anymore. No one fucking needs me. No one here looks to me for answers and there's no problems to solve. I'm here, I feel like I got nothing. And I am not talking about you. I have you, always. But do you know what I mean?"
"I think so."
"I have come back to certain boredom. I have come back to the internet and Netflix, thank God, but what else is there to do with my time. I have no crisis. No mouths to feed. Baby, it's just you and me and now what? I'm scared you won't love me. If I tell you all this you'll think it's about something you didn't or can't do for me when I don't want anything from you other than to be with you. I am terrified I will lose you over some dumb shit. All I wanted out of this was to be with you."
"Ok. And that's not good enough?"
"What?"
"That's not enough? For you? You need more?"
"More of what? More what?"
"That's what you wanted? To be with me somewhere. It was to the point you were going to jump and stay with me. Because you needed me or because I needed you?"
"Cause we need each other."
"And it doesn't matter where we are, because we'll have each other."
"Correct."
"So what are you complaining about then? If the problem isn't me and you? What is your fucking problem?"
"It's Amanda."
"Well, where's this fucking Amanda chick at then? Cause if Amanda is the one that can fix this, you need Amanda. Am I right or am I wrong?"
"I'm scared to deal with her?"
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"I'll have to make excuses for what I have done. Own up to it."
"Well, that's exactly what you're gonna do." He told her. "Quit being a pussy and deal with the mess you made."
"Tavin knows where she is."
Julia got on the phone with Tavin and asked for the information for Amanda. "You're ready?" He asked. "Better late than never. I'll text you her number."
"No, no. Never mind. It's ok." She stammered and then hung up. She went to Chess. "I can't. I changed my mind." She paced in his room next to the bed and tossed him the phone when Tavin texted her. "Delete it, please. I can't."
Chess opened the text and hit the number to dial it. He handed Julia the phone when it started ringing. There was a girl on the other end, saying hello. She tossed the phone back to him and left the room. Her stomach, it was churning. Her dinner was coming up. She pushed open the bathroom door and crouched over the toilet, holding her hair back as she hurled. Chess followed her down the hallway. She was still on the phone. Julia saw him and pushed the door shut, throwing up again. She heard Chess talking. Then he pushed the door back open.
"Julia, come on." He said, crouching beside her. "Baby, you have nothing to worry about. She sounds like a nice person."
"You don't understand how awful I feel for what I did to her."
"Call her back, Julia. Please." He said, holding the phone out to her. She pushed his hand away, feeling the air in the room dissipate, thinning, she couldn't breathe. Her heart was pounding and she couldn't breathe.
"Air." She gasped.
"Breathe." He said, taking her hand. He pulled her to her feet and followed her downstairs, outside to the lawn. She gasped for air, took huge breaths like she'd come up from being held under water. "Julia, you can't keep doing this to yourself." He yelled at her. "It's only going to get worse."
"This is how it felt, when he took me. Do you know what it feels like?"
"No, but she does. You have to face it. I can't do it for you." Chess yelled at her. "You know what? There are only two of you that can talk about it. You used to complain about being alone. No one could possibly understand what it felt like being raped by this guy. Now you have someone that you can talk with about it and you run the fuck away?"
"What did you say?"
"I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said it like that." He apologized. "It just doesn't make any sense to me that you'd turn her away. Maybe she wants to talk to you. Maybe she doesn't want you to talk to her. Ever think of that?"
"We share the same pain."
"Yes. I guess."
"We had the same experience. The same fear. The same awful things."
"She sounds better off than you do right now. That's for sure."
"Chess, you know what I did to her?"
"Does she even know what you did to her?"
"What?"
"Does she know what you did? Does she know you put her there on purpose? Does she?"
"I don't-I don't know."
"Maybe she thinks she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. How would she know anything? I know. Tavin knows. Jay knows. Kelly knows. We know the plan. She never knew the fucking plan, Julia. She never knew it was coming. She didn't even know-"
"Which makes it worse."
"You need help, Julia. You can't do this alone anymore."
"I can do it alone. I suffered it alone."
"You don't have to anymore." Chess plead with her. "Please, Julia. I don't know what else to do. It's hard watching you go through this."
"I was ok. I was holding it together. I was fine."
"No, really, you weren't but now. It has to end somehow."
The front door opened and Jay peeked outside. Alex had said they were fighting again. "You guys ok?"
"Yes." Chess answered. "Go inside. We'll be in."
"You sure?" He asked, looking at Julia on the lawn.
"He said yes, Jayson."
Jay reluctantly went inside and left the door swing shut behind him. Julia calmed herself down. She stood next to Chess and took the phone off him. She held his hand tightly, refusing to let him go. As the phone rang, the nerves churned again. Her voice. "Hello."
"Hi, it's Julia."
"What took you so long to call me?"
"I-I-I know I should have. I know. I -I-I'm sorry, but I-"
"I trusted you."
"I know."
"You were my friend. We told each other things. I confided in you."
"Everything I ever told you was the truth." Julia said, pacing the grass.
"You left out some things."
"I know. I had to." Julia said, her voice cracking.
"I have talked to Tavin and Kelly and they're good people. They have told me about Jayson and Chess and Andy and what they mean to you."
"I love them. I did what I did because I love them, Amanda."
"Why me? Of all of the angels. Why me?"
"You're the same size and shape." Julia answered. "And you were dead, Amanda."
"You made me think I was safe, that you needed our help."
"I needed help. That's why you were there."
"You called the police and told them it was you in that room. Do you know what he did to me?"
"I know what he does." Julia replied. "I remember like it was yesterday."
"You knew what he was going to do and you sent me there anyway?"
"It wasn't personal, Amanda." Julia replied. She covered the phone. "She knows, Chess."
"Tell her the truth, Julia. Tell her." Chess urged her.
"The truth. He said tell me the truth. So tell me." Amanda demanded.
"I planned it that way. I did it on purpose. I thought when I came back I would have no memory of it because it wouldn't happen to me. I thought it would happen to you. It didn't matter if he killed you, you were already an angel. The others were there. I hoped they'd protect you. But I couldn't face him again." Julia explained. "I know it's wrong. I know that it was wrong. I have thought about it since we came home. I regret that. I have tried to go back. I have tried to move myself through time again, but I can't. I realize what I did was wrong. I hate myself for it. It should have been me. It was selfish. But when it comes down to it I was alive and you were not."
"Like I said, you surround yourself with good people and you are so lucky to have them in your life. It's a shame they don't realize exactly how evil you are. You are no different from him. I hope that as every day passes and when you close your eyes to go to sleep that he is all you see. That when you are in bed with that husband of yours, that he is all you feel. That is what you deserve." Amanda hung up the phone.
"Well," Julia cried, tucking the phone in her back pocket. "That did not go well."
"You said what you had to say, Julia. That is what matters." He reassured her. "What did she say?"
"Nothing. Let's go inside, Chess. I love you, you know."
"What did she say?"
"That-uh- she hopes I get what I deserve in life. So, let's go inside."
Julia and Chess went into the house and told Jay she'd talked with Amanda. Julia excused herself and went in the bathroom on the first floor, Sandy's bathroom. She rummaged through the meds lined up in the medicine cabinet and found the Xanax bottle. 10 of them left. Julia started adding up the milligrams in her mind. 0.25mg tablets. 10 of them is only 2 1/2 milligrams of Xanax. Shit, that's nothing. Julia whined. She kept looking. Ativan. 1 milligram tablets. 30 of them. "That's more like it." Julia said to herself. They were old, but Ativan was Ativan. She didn't care and at that point it was exactly what she deserved.
She filled up a cup with water and downed the bottle.
Before there was any time for the pills to act, Julia went in the living room and laid on the sofa. Chess sat in front of her on the floor. The lights dimmed, her eyes closed.
"Good night, world." She whispered.
"Hey, kiddo. You're ok. You're in the hospital." The heavy set nurse smiled at her. Concern written all over her face. She smelled like cigarette smoke.
"Do you know who you are? Do you know why you're here?" A man asked her, hovering over her.
"Julia. Ativan."
"How many Ativan?" He yelled at her.
"25, 30 ...I'm not deaf." He sounded so annoyed with her.
She felt like shit. Stomach pumping was not in her top ten list of fun things to do. She felt high as a kite and nauseated. Oh, the charcoal tastes lovely...
"Julia, honey, why did you take the Ativan?"
"Not...enough...Xanax." She answered.
"Why? Julia, let us help you."
"Raped."
"Raped by who? When? Julia, honey, hang in there." The nurse ordered.
"Caleb....long...time...ago." She answered. "Let... me... die..."
72 hours later she was released to her father from the hospital.
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